... A Sour Apple Tree

Your source for fast and/or frozen food reviews, Huntington and/or West Virginia commentary, rasslin' (not wrestling) nostalgia, bad parody, dumb satire, rejected slogans, pointless lists, unreliable sports predictions, and funny local pictures.

Location: Huntington, WV, United States

I'm a 37 year-old guy from Huntington, WV.

Friday, September 28, 2007

I can't think of a better way...

...to end the weak than a classic Benny Hill chase scene, can you?

PS-Ben Elton can bite me.

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Thursday, September 27, 2007

...ASAT week 4 NFL picks and week 5 college football fake parlay card

Last week's NFL record: 10-6, overall: 32-16

Baltimore at Cleveland
Chicago at Detroit

Green Bay at Minnesota
Houston at Atlanta
N.Y. Jets at Buffalo
Oakland at Miami
St. Louis at Dallas
Seattle at San Francisco
Tampa Bay at Carolina
Denver at Indianapolis
Kansas City at San Diego
Pittsburgh at Arizona
Philadelphia at N.Y. Giants
New England at Cincinnati

Last week's college football results: 8-3, overall: 30-14

Southern Miss at Boise State
West Virginia at South Florida
Akron at Connecticut
Notre Dame at Purdue
Florida Atlantic at Kentucky
Kent State at Ohio
California at Oregon
Maryland at Rutgers
Alabama at Florida State
USC at Washington
Cincinnati at San Diego State

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Tuesday, September 25, 2007

Rejected state slogans, part 4

  • New Mexico - "No, This Is New Mexico, You Can't Get Quaaludes."
  • New York - "It's Just Like In The Movies, Right Down To The Spontaneous Musical Numbers"
  • North Carolina - "Where West Virginians Move When They Are Finally Fed Up"
  • North Dakota - "We're The One With The....Um...Uhhh...Lemme Check Wikipedia..."
  • Ohio - "Birthplace Of Misleading Claims About The Origin Of Aviation"
  • Oklahoma - "Resting Comfortably On The Giant Toilet That Is Texas"
  • Oregon - "Where Communists and Anarchists Stock Up On Ammo And Organic Produce In Harmony"
  • Pennsylvania - "Well-Paved Roads Are For Pussies"
  • Rhode Island - "It Looks Bigger If You Shave It"
  • South Carolina - "Home Of Lindsay Graham, America's Most Eligible Bachelor"

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Monday, September 24, 2007

If there was ever any doubt...

...that Demolition is the baddest tag team in rasslin' history, take a look at this promo from back in the day:

They were fightin' champions who took on all comers. Even Borgs and Supervillians.

Keep an eye out for uber-tool Sean Mooney and The Million Dollar Man.

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Friday, September 21, 2007

Teh hawt list

These are a few of my favorite things:
  • Mates of State: This hubby ' n missus musical act employ great harmonies, deceptively complex arrangements, and upbeat tunes that aren't too poppy. Go to their myspace and download "For the Actor" if you get a chance.
  • 30 Rock: The Emmy for best comedy: check. The best cast of any sitcom: check. The best writers: check. The funniest jokes: check. The viewers: God, I hope they come.
  • Randy Moss: Welcome back. Keep shuttin' 'em down and shuttin' 'em up.
  • Burger King's Spicy Chick'n Crisp: This new sam'mich from BK has topped KFC's Snacker for the best $1 item in fast foodland.
  • Steak 'n Shake's recent coupons: Save big $$$ on the world's best fast food-sitdown 'tweener restaurant.
  • Heroes: Dude, season two in less than 100 hours!!!
  • Garbage: I've been listening to their first couple of albums and their shit was really good back in the day. I'm especially keen on the life stuff where Shirley Manson's voice sound just two clicks south of Groundskeaper Willie. "Unproteeected, Gawd Eeem preegnat."
  • JC Penny's: They've added a few Cleveland Browns items to go along with the mountains of hideous black and gold crap.

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Thursday, September 20, 2007

...ASAT NFL week 3 picks and week 4 fake college football parlay card

Last week, I went 9-7 on the NFL picks, bringing my season total to 22-10. Here is how I see things shaking out for week 3:

San Diego at Green Bay
Minnesota at Kansas City
St. Louis at Tampa Bay
San Francisco at Pittsburgh
Miami at NY Jets
Buffalo at New England
Arizona at Baltimore

Indianapolis at Houston
Detroit at Philadelphia
Jacksonville at Denver
Cleveland at Oakland
Cincinnati at Seattle
NY Giants at Washington
Carolina at Atlanta
Dallas at Chicago
Tennessee at New Orleans

As for college, last week I went 7-4 and now have a combined record of 22-11. This week, my guesses are:

East Carolina at West Virginia
Syracuse at Louisville
Wyoming at Ohio
South Carolina at LSU
Michigan State at Notre Dame
Marshall at Cincinnati

Georgia at Alabama
Washington State at USC

Iowa at Wisconsin
Washington at UCLA
Charleston Southern at Hawaii

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Wednesday, September 19, 2007

Patience, Herd Nation

Over the past few days I've started to hear a lot of grumbling from Marshall Thundering Herd fans about the success (or lack thereof) of the football team this season. At 0-3, many are starting to call for Mark Snyder's head on a platter which, according to an artistic rendering from one of my interns from the Robert C. Byrd College of Blogonomics, would look something like this:

(Apologies to John the Baptist)

Before we rush to get rid of a pretty decent coach with strong community ties and a national championship ring from his days as an assistant at THE Ohio State University (ed. note: why the frig do they insist on sayin' it that way?), let's break down the losses. Miami (FL) is arguably the most successful team of the past 30 years and is always going to be tough to beat on the road, just ask our friends in Mo'town. The WVU game was a competitive matchup well into the third quarter and we gave the likely BCS squad a scare until depth and conditioning did us in. Snyeder did, indeed, seem to have WVU's offense figured out, as promised; he just lacked the players to shut it down for 60 minutes. That leaves fans to ponder the New Hampshire game, which was admittedly a bad beat, but wasn't exactly Michigan-App. State. You simply don't fire a coach over one bonehead game, especially when it was the other team's Super Bowl (would WVU fire RichRod over a loss to the Herd?).

Before we do/say anything rash/stupid, let's see how we do against our C-USA foes. Sure, we'd all love to go back to the halcyon days of perfect seasons and top ten finishes, but it just ain't gonna happen 'ginst the schedule we gotta play to be part of the BBQ Conference (mmm Memphis dry rub....). If we can hang tough with this young team, then we can look ahead to some great football in '08 and '09 and, on the off chance that we suck eggs then, feel free to gripe away.

But until then, I say this to the Snyder haters/Sunday morning coaches: shut the hell up.


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Tuesday, September 18, 2007

I'm Cool, I'm Cocky, I'm Bad

In honor of The Honky Tonk Man, the greatest WWF/WWE Intercontinental Champion of all time, ...ASAT presents his legendary music video:

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Friday, September 14, 2007

...ASAT's NFL picks, week 2

I racked up a pretty impressive week 1 parlay card tally of 13-3. Here are my week 2 choices:

Texans at Panthers
Colts at Titans
49ers at Rams
Saints at Buccaneers
Packers at Giants
Bills at Steelers
Bengals at Browns
Falcons at Jaguars
Seahawks at Cardinals
Vikings at Lions

Cowboys at Dolphins
Chiefs at Bears
Jets at Ravens
Raiders at Broncos
Chargers at Patriots
Redskins at Eagles

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Thursday, September 13, 2007

...ASAT fake college football parlay card, week 3

Last week I took a beatin' and ended up 6-5, with a cumulative score of 15-7. Here are my picks for 11 more games of regional and national interest:

West Virginia at Maryland
Pittsburgh at Michigan State
Cincinnati at Miami (OH)
Ohio at Virginia Tech
Tennessee at Florida
Ohio State at Washington
Norfolk State at Rutgers

Notre Dame at Michigan
New Hampshire at Marshall (ed. note: wtf?)
Louisville at Kentucky
Boston College at Georgia Tech

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Wednesday, September 12, 2007

TV commercial round-up: Suddenlink

Both my wife and I feel that cable television, in its current form, is the biggest ripoff going these days. It seems that my friends who shell out the big bucks for the service are basically paying $90 for the privilege of taking an extra ten minutes to figure out that their ain't shit on the tube. I could see paying a few bucks for a la carte service of the 5 good cable channels or DirecTV and their Sunday Ticket NFL package and the tons of HD channels that they offer.

But what is the biggest reason I don't want cable? It is those damn obnoxious Suddenlink commercials. Yes, I know that Suddenlink isn't the cable company for Huntington, but I really don't care. They've poisoned the well for all cable companies, and I ain't gonna drink.

They started off with a bad stand-up comedian doing bad stand-up comedy about why high speed Internet and cable TV can make your life better and can improve your relationship with your parents. Lame, but not horrible.

Then it started getting really bad. Now, the commercials feature unattractive dorky upper middle class white people who cannot dance (you guessed it) dancing. One has an older lady doing "the Elaine" to the digital music channels, while another has the sort of prick who will let a door slam on someone carrying a baby on his way into Macy's doing some lamewad pointing dance with his cordless phone. I think that same commercial also has a Volvo-driving Soccer Mom doing something resembling "churning the butter" with her phone bill.

Look, Suddenlink, I know that your target audiences are folks who don't have anything better to spend their inflated paychecks on other than celebreality shows on VH1 and pretentious dramadies on Showtime and, one day when we get our massif student loans paid off, we will probably just the sort of douchebags you are lookin' for. But, when I get to the point where my main concerns involve my McMansion and who's but I can kiss at the golf club, I will still want to pretend that I am not a total toolbox. All those commercials will do will make me think "I'm not like that and, just to prove it, I'm not getting Suddenlink. Now where is my gosh darn Pat Boone CD."

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Tuesday, September 11, 2007

...ASAT fake Emmy ballot: shows

Outstanding Drama Series
Boston Legal
Grey's Anatomy
The Sopranos

This boils down to the two shows that I can actually be bothered to watch: House and Heroes. While I love the Hugh Laurie as House, I have to give the nod to Hiro and Co. for a show that effectively weaves several plot lines into one satisfying narrative while finding the time for some pretty cool special effects that unleash the full power of those fancy HD TVs we've all been buying over the past several months. Rarely have I bit my nails with anticipation for a second season as much as I am now for this new crop of episodes.

Outstanding Comedy Series
The Office
30 Rock
Two and a Half Men
Ugly Betty

Don't get me wrong, The Office is great. 30 Rock, on the other hand, is the funniest American sitcom since Seinfeld's halcyon days (yup, it even tops the postmodernist darling Arrested Development). The writing works on levels ranging from sight gags to subtle pop culture references and the acting is top notch (especially Jack McBrayer). As long as it can survive in the brain dead reality show era, this year should be the first of many big Emmy halls for a future classic.

Outstanding Reality-Competition Program
The Amazing Race
American Idol
Dancing With the Stars
Project Runway
Top Chef

Top Chef is the only one of these that doesn't make me want to lock myself in a closet and cut on myself while listening to emo music, so I guess it gets my check mark.

Outstanding Variety, Music or Comedy Series
Late Night With Conan O'Brien
Late Show With David Letterman
Real Time With Bill Maher
The Colbert Report
The Daily Show With Jon Stewart

Conan has and always will rule. 'Nuff said.

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Monday, September 10, 2007

Sunday NFL notes

Here are my thoughts from NFL week 1 (so far):

  • Cleveland Browns: It is gonna be another long, long, year. Until yesterday, I had never seen a team commit four penalties on one play, but that is exactly how many the Browns had on one punt. there were signs of life from Kellen Winslow, but it takes a helluvah lot more than one tight end to make a team. Frye and Anderson both bit it hardcore, but it is still too early to feed Quinn to the lions. There are a lot of monster Ds coming up and, with piss-poor protection, it would be Tim Couch all over again. I agree with Peter King and the other who say wait until after the bye week. T'ain't like we're gonna make the playoffs this year.
  • Randy Moss & the New England Patriots: It's amazing to see how quick the sports journalist types went back to praising Moss after calling him a washed-up dog during his two years in the wilderness of Jokeland. After going 9 for 183 with a TD against the Jets, some of the TV babblers and paper scribblers are actually saying nice things again about his skill set and his demeanor in the locker room. While it may be a few more games 'til he blows up with those kind of stats again, his presence will act as a decoy that will allow Tom Brady to hit Wes Welker and Dante Stallwort for some big plays. In my 17 or so years as a hardcore NFL fan, I've never seen a team with as much potential as this years Pats to kick the shit out of any and every other team. Basically, the Patriots are Tiger, the Colts are Mickleson, and the field is, well, the field.
  • San Diego Chargers: Sure, they beat the NFC champion Bears. Based on what I saw, however, in the much-hyped three-way race for AFC supremacy, they are definitely team #3.
  • New York Jets: In cheering the Chad Pennington injury, the fans of the Green Slime reminded the rest of the country why New York is a nice place to visit, but...
  • Dallas Cowboys: They sure are looking like a smart pick to win the NFC East and, maybe, win the right to get fed to the AFC champs at XLII.
  • Green Bay Packers: Where the hell did they come from? If this is, indeed, Favre's last season, he just might be ending his career with a playoff run. He'd certainly deserve it. And that young kicker, whathisname? Looking pretty good.
  • Fluctuating weekly Super Bowl pick: Pats over Cowboys

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Sunday, September 09, 2007

Muchos grassy ass

...A Sour Apple Tree would like to take this opportunity to say thanks to some great blogs that linked to me in recent posts over the past couple of weeks:

Thanks to all y'all.


Friday, September 07, 2007

...ASAT restaurant review: Steak 'n Shake

"Skyline say it fine he don't consider it cheatin'..."

Yup, to paraphrase the White Stripes, I fell in love with a restaurant that, like Skyline, serves chili on top of spaghetti. This time it is the new Steak 'n Shake near the Huntington Mall exit of I 64.

The chain sort-of mimics the old greasy spoon diners of the '50s, complete with paper hats on the chefs, tasty burgers, chili, and a butt-load of side dishes from which to choose.

My wife and the boy split a Steakburger, fries, and baked beans combo while I had a 5 way chili and a garden salad.

The burger was closer to a McDonald's cheeseburger than a Hardee's Thickburger in size, but it tasted much much better than the smaller burgers from fast food joints. The fries were a lil' too shoe-stringy for my taste, but they were hot and crisp. The baked beans were sweeter than I like, but the missus and the toddler both found them to their liking.

I got the 5 way chili, expecting a Cincinnati style chili. The commonality with Gold Star, Dixie, and Skyline, however, was limited to the whole "ground beef over noodles." This was much more of a chili-con-carne and consisted of "Spaghetti topped with Genuine Chili, extra chili beef, our special sauce, chopped onion, Cheddar and Monterey Jack cheeses." It didn't have the cinnamon-nutmeg taste of the Greco-Arab inspired chilis of Cincy, but still had a sweetness to it that work well with the cheese, onions, and starch (aka the spaghetti).

With good service, a fun atmosphere, and killer food, I found Steak 'n Shake to be a great family restaurant that doesn't break the bank. I hear that they plan on putting more around the area, which is good news to me. Until then, however, I am going to be coming up with a bunch of excuses to go to Bville.

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Thursday, September 06, 2007

...ASAT's NFL picks, week 1

New Orleans at Indianapolis
Atlanta at Minnesota
Carolina at St. Louis
Denver at Buffalo
Kansas City at Houston
Miami at Washington
New England at N.Y. Jets
Philadelphia at Green Bay
Pittsburgh at Cleveland
Tennessee at Jacksonville
Chicago at San Diego
Detroit at Oakland
Tampa Bay at Seattle
N.Y. Giants at Dallas
Baltimore at Cincinnati
Arizona at San Francisco

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...ASAT's fake Emmy ballot: lead cast

Outstanding Lead Actor in a Drama Series

James Gandolfini for playing Tony Soprano on The Sopranos
Hugh Laurie for playing Gregory House on House
Denis Leary for playing Tommy Gavin on Rescue Me
James Spader for playing Alan Shore on Boston Legal
Kiefer Sutherland for playing Jack Bauer on 24

I'd vote for Leary if I could be assured that the award would go posthumously to Bill Hicks. Since it won't, I'll go with Laurie for his roll outstanding performance as the *insert over-used adjective of Dr. House* American doctor.

Outstanding Lead Actor in a Comedy Series

Alec Baldwin for playing Jack Donaghy on 30 Rock
Steve Carell for playing Michael Scott on The Office
Ricky Gervais for playing Andy Millman on Extras
Tony Shalhoub for playing Adrian Monk on Monk
Charlie Sheen for playing Charlie Harper on Two and a Half Men

The guys from South Park aren't far off: Baldwin is possibly the greatest actor in the world. Jack Donaghy is my favorite sitcom character of the aughts and I hope more folks check out Thursday's best-kept secret next season.

Outstanding Lead Actress in a Drama Series

Patricia Arquette for playing Alison Dubois on Medium
Minnie Driver for playing Dahlia Malloy on The Riches
Edie Falco for playing Carmela Soprano on The Sopranos
Sally Field for playing Nora Walker on Brothers & Sisters
Mariska Hargitay for playing Olivia Benson on Law & Order: Special Victims Unit
Kyra Sedgwick for playing Brenda Leigh Johnson on The Closer

Field needs another award like JFK needed that parade, Arquette isn't even my favorite hawt TV psychic (that's be Jennifer Love Hewitt), Sedgwick has always rubbed me the wrong way, and Falco & Driver are only so-so. That leaves Hargitay as the bad-ass, perv busting cop with equal parts 'tude and heart.

Outstanding Lead Actress in a Comedy Series

America Ferrera for playing Betty Suarez on Ugly Betty
Tina Fey for playing Liz Lemon on 30 Rock
Felicity Huffman for playing Lynette Scavo on Desperate Housewives
Julia Louis-Dreyfus for playing Christine Campbell on The New Adventures of Old Christine
Mary-Louise Parker for playing Nancy Botwin on Weeds

Even though I am not a fan of some of these shows, I'd have to say that this might be the most talented lot of nominees in any of the best lead categories. I'm gonna give the nod to Fey, though, for taking the total self-deprecating route in her own show. God, I hope 30 Rock has at least an 8 year run.

Outstanding Individual Performance in a Variety or Music Program

Tony Bennett for Tony Bennett: An American Classic
Stephen Colbert for The Colbert Report
Ellen DeGeneres for 79th Annual Academy Awards
David Letterman for Late Show With David Letterman
Jon Stewart for The Daily Show with Jon Stewart

I know, I know, the hip choice would be Colbert or Stewart. But what can I say, DeGeneres on the Oscars was the single best award show hosting that I've ever seen.

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Wednesday, September 05, 2007

...ASAT fake college football parlay card, week 2

In week 1, I was 9-2, although that took as much skill as guessing who was going to win a squash rasslin' match between Demolition and The Conquistadors in the late '80s.

Oregon State at Cincinnati
West Virginia at Marshall
Miami (FL) at Oklahoma
Rhode Island at Army
California at Colorado State
Boise State at Washington
Oregon at Michigan
TCU at Texas
Ohio at Louisiana-Lafayette
Syracuse at Iowa
Virginia Tech at LSU

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Saturday, September 01, 2007

...ASAT gets chinchilla pwned

I was recently interviewed by Mr. Chinchilla (of Donutbuzz fame).

A good time was had by all (especially me, as he brought beer).