... A Sour Apple Tree
Your source for fast and/or frozen food reviews, Huntington and/or West Virginia commentary, rasslin' (not wrestling) nostalgia, bad parody, dumb satire, rejected slogans, pointless lists, unreliable sports predictions, and funny local pictures.
- Name: Christopher Scott Jones
- Location: Huntington, WV, United States
I'm a 37 year-old guy from Huntington, WV.
Friday, August 31, 2007
Thursday, August 30, 2007
...ASAT's fake college football preseason Top 25 ballot
9) Virginia Tech
11) Ohio State
15) Boise State
19) Penn State
25) Miami (FL)
...ASAT fake college football parlay card, Week 1
Buffalo at Rutgers
LSU at Mississippi State
Weber State at Boise State
Washington at Syracuse
Marshall at Miami (FL)
Western Michigan at West Virginia
Iowa at Northern Illinois
Gardner-Webb at Ohio
Tennessee at California
Idaho at USC
Florida State at Clemson
Wednesday, August 29, 2007
...ASAT takes a wide stance on an issue
You see, the good Senator claims that he was not making lewd gestures in order to score some manlove on the D.L. Oh no. You see, Craig wasn't waving at the undercover cop; Craig, in reality, just craps with a "wide stance."
Must be because he is full of shit.
Tuesday, August 28, 2007
...ASAT's Fake Emmy Ballot: Supporting Cast
Michael Emerson for playing Benjamin Linus on Lost
Michael Imperioli for playing Christopher Moltisanti on The Sopranos
T.R. Knight for playing George O'Malley on Grey's Anatomy
Masi Oka for playing Hiro Nakamura on Heroes
Terry O'Quinn for playing John Locke on Lost
William Shatner for playing Denny Crane on Boston Legal
I can't be bothered with Lost, Sopranos, or Grey's. I don't like Legal, either, but the Good Captain always deserves a nod. But I gotta give my vote to Oka for playing the coolest character on the coolest show.
Outstanding Supporting Actor in a Comedy Series
Jon Cryer for playing Alan Harper on Two and a Half Men
Kevin Dillon for playing Johnny Drama on Entourage
Neil Patrick Harris for playing Barney Stinson on How I Met Your Mother
Jeremy Piven for playing Ari Gold on Entourage
Rainn Wilson for playing Dwight Schrute on The Office
Outstanding Supporting Actress in a Drama Series
Lorraine Bracco for playing Dr. Jennifer Melfi on The Sopranos
Rachel Griffiths for playing Sarah Whedon on Brothers & Sisters
Katherine Heigl for playing Izzie Stevens on Grey's Anatomy
Sandra Oh for playing Cristina Yang on Grey's Anatomy
Aida Turturro for playing Janice Soprano on The Sopranos
Chandra Wilson for playing Miranda Bailey on Grey's Anatomy
Ugh. I don't care. I'll vote for Heigl cause of that boobalicious dress she wore last year. Next, please....
Outstanding Supporting Actress in a Comedy Series
Conchata Ferrell for playing Berta on Two and a Half Men
Jenna Fischer for playing Pam Beesly on The Office
Elizabeth Perkins for playing Celia Hodes on Weeds
Jaime Pressly for playing Joy Turner on My Name Is Earl
Holland Taylor for playing Evelyn Harper on Two and a Half Men
Vanessa Williams for playing Wilhelmina Slater on Ugly Betty
Props to my fellow WVian Ferrell, but that show isn't really that funny. Fischer is great, too, but I'm pretending to vote for Pressly. She has the part nailed to a T, and, quite frankly, has done the most to make trailer trash uber-sexy since Britney Spears, circa 1999.
Monday, August 27, 2007
Rejected state slogans, part 3
- Massachusetts - "Smugly Wagging Our Fingers In Disgust At You Since 1620."
- Michigan - "We've got a huge PENInSula."
- Minnesota - "Getting The Most Mileage Out Of The Letter 'O.'"
- Mississippi - "We Make Arkansas, Alabama, and West Virginia Feel Better About Themselves. Sorta."
- Missouri - "The 'Show Me' Your Tits State."
- Montana - "We're That State That You Giggled At In Grade School Geography 'Cause We Look Like A Giant Face That Is Sniffing Idaho's Butt."
- Nebraska - "How Nice Of You To Say That, But You Are Probably Thinking Of Kansas."
- Nevada - "Actually, Herpes Doesn't Stay In Vegas."
- New Hampshire - "First To Vote For Some Dumbass Reason That Has Never Really Been Explained."
- New Jersey - "What's Your Exit?"
Thursday, August 23, 2007
...ASAT trolls my lesser-known favorites
The only time I have heard this song outside of youtube or my mp3 collection was a few years back on one of those digital MTV video channels. To me, the song is about the process of getting over a bad relationship of some sort. It seems that his girlfriend, a drug addict, has r.u.n.n.o.f.t.ed and left him to get over the pain of losing a loved one and not being able to help them before they leave. The video, however, seems to be an excuse to hit the 'Dam and visit one of the friendliest, most-tolerant, purtiest cities in the world. Oh, yea, and to smoke some of the stickiest ickiest at De Rokerij.
Manic Street Preachers w/ Nina Persson: "Your Love Alone Is Not Enough"
In all fairness, this song is quite well known in Britain and among the Continentals, but cannot seem to snag an airplay spot away from emo music and the same 12 coke-snortin' 70s songs that seems to get played over and over and over on American radio. and yes, this is another song about a failed relationship. This time, however, both lovers are lamenting the loss. I get the impression that both of them are saying "wow, if we could have trusted each other just a little more, this really could have been something beautiful. Something for the ages. Now all I can say is 'thank you...and fuck you.'"
Silverchair: "Across The Night"
While most Americans think of Silverchair as those 12 year-old antipodean grunge kids from 15 years ago. Well, in Oz, they have grown into one of the most popular homegrown music acts and lead singer Daniel Johns and his wife Natalie Imbrgulia are sort of their answer to Posh and Becks in the tabloids. In this 2003 single, Johns spins a story that resonates with anyone who has ever suffered from clinical depression, stating that he has "never seen the sunshine from higher points than sunrise" and that he doesn't "want to be lonely, (he) just want(s) to be alone." The arrangement is also probably one of the best this side of Smashing Pumpkins' "Tonight, Tonight" and the video, which stars Guy Pierce, is at the same time thoughtful, artsy, and coherent.
K's Choice: "Not an Addict"
Here is another song that may or may not be about drug addiction (or being in love or being obsessed or being a musician or...), this time from Belgian siblings K's Choice. What I like about this tune is the themes of self-denial, even in the face of self-actualization, that we all go through on a daily basis (ie believin' our own press, so to speak) and the notion that you cannot even hope to begin to understand someone's predicament or world view unless you have had their same experiences, influences, and brain chemistry. While not being postmodern music, per se, it sure does deal with the postmodern condition in a manner that very few other musicians even attempt.
If you like any of these songs, please consider downloading them through iTunes or Rhapsody or requesting their CDs from your favorite local music store. Unlike Britney, P Diddy, or Fallout Boy, these folks could probably use your money.
Wednesday, August 22, 2007
Best pizza deal in these parts...
Lately, I've noticed that the big chains like Pizza Hut and Papa John's have raised prices while lowering overall quality. Not Husson's. They've maintained their status as purveyors of the finest and largest pies in the area without giving the finger to their customers.
With this printable coupon, you can get the Family Feast for $22.99. It includes a Large 18" one-topping, 10 bread sticks (good ones, too) with sauce, 50 Cinnamon Bites, a large ham & cheese salad, and a 2 liter of Pepsi (would be better if it was Coke, but whatever). Purchased a la carte, this is about $30 worth of food and it feeds a family of four nicely.
With their new location next to the Marshall campus, this is also a good option for dorm-rats looking for a change from the monotony of the campus crapeterias.
Saturday, August 18, 2007
The Demos will get you
Then it was time to finish the goons of with their patented Demolition Decapitation elbow drop:Ax and Smash then packed Biz and 12 in a special UPS box made of Blue Kyptonite and shipped their butts back to the Delta Quadrant.
That should be the last of them I see for a while, but they could return at any time, as Ax shipped him to an apartment in the DQ and everyone knows that UPS drivers cannot find apartments to save their lives...
Friday, August 17, 2007
Here comes the Ax, here comes the Smasher...
(to be concluded...)
Thursday, August 16, 2007
Chris James, the protomartyr?
Tuesday, August 14, 2007
...ASAT frozen food review: Stouffer's Corner Bistro Panini
Monday, August 13, 2007
More music from Trek actors
Here Nimoy talks over music in character of Spock. Man, people really really couldn't hold their weed in the 60s:
In this infamous bit, "The Ballad of Bilbo Baggins," Nimoy single-handedly destroys the credibility of all-things-Hobbit until those long, boring movies came out a few years ago.
OK, "Positronic Pimp" is kind of cool. Check out the Data freestyle rap towards the end:
Here Captain Picard does nothing to put to rest those rumors going around Ten-Forward:
In a moment that must have been inspired by LSD, Shatner sings "Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds:
And finally, here is Shatner singing a tribute to George Lucas, post-getting in on the joke:
Sunday, August 12, 2007
Rejected State Slogans, part 2.
More rejected state slogans from the intern's archive research...
- Hawaii "Where Even Ugly People Get Leied"
- Idaho "No, You Da Ho."
- Illinois "Home Of Chicago, America's Largest Afterthought"
- Indiana "What The Frig Is a Hoosier, Anyhow?"
- Iowa "Come See Your Ethanol Subsidies Rot In A Field"
- Kansas "Brownback Mountain"
- Kentucky "Whiskey, Cock Fighting, And Tobacco: What More Could You Ask For?"
- Lousiana "Nick Saban Is An Ass Clown"
- Maine "Where Republicans Go To Further Isolate Themselves From Common Folk"
- Maryland "We've Got Crabs. Blue Ones."
Friday, August 10, 2007
...ASAT chicken sandwich round-up
- My announcement of the return of Wendy's Monterey Ranch Chicken Sandwich and how it falls flat in the face of the competition.
- ...ASAT's glowing review of Captain D's Bacon Double Ranch Chicken Sandwich, the best fast food item I've had in ages.
- The post where I give the TenderCrisp BBQ Bacon a lukewarm assessment based on the sandwich's lack of cheese.
- My lamentation over the demise of Burger King's Spicy TenderCrisp.
Check back regularly, as ...ASAT will keep you (lame pun alert) abreast of any future developments in the world of fast food chicken sam'miches...
Thursday, August 09, 2007
I think it's gonna be a long, long time...
In 1978, Shatner wasn't yet in on the joke that he is indeed prone to overacting. Before becoming the cultural personality that we all love today, he kinda had something of a swollen head, releasing several albums worth of truly terrible covers. The zenith of his musical ego trip had to be at the '78 Science Fiction Film Awards, when Cap't Kirk gave this (no pun intended) spaced out performance:
Since that fateful moment, there have been several parodies. One of my favorite comedic character actors, Chris Elliot, paid homage to Officer Hooker on Letterman:
Beck also referenced the performance in his video for "Where It's At" (click for video, embedding has been disabled).
Family Guy parodies the scene, too, as Stewie (correctly) believes that specific moment to be the pinnacle of cool:
While it is hip to rag on the moment for being uber-cheesy, I say thank you, Mr. Shatner. American popular culture is richer thanks to you and your post-Star Trek hubris.
BTW, be sure to check out Elvis Drinkmo's blog for all things Kirk.
Wednesday, August 08, 2007
Taking a ribbing
First of all, it is $8 just to get in and look at vendors and listen to has-beens and maybe-will-bes. Then you gotta pay for the ribs. Add to the inflated prices the fact that it'll be right smack-dab in the middle of the longest hot spell in my memory and you have a recipe for a crapload o' lameness.
My recommendation: go to the mall or somewhere air conditioned and wait for Chili Fest (free admission) later this summer.
If you must go, however, you can save some green by bringing an empty 20 oz Coke product and receive a $2 discount, going Friday between 11 AM and 3 PM for free lunchtime admission, or attending on Sunday (when admission is $5).
It also looks like there will be some Ron Paul supporters there with an informational booth, so area ribaholics can see for themselves whether he is the last true conservative or just a nut with a platform. Personally, I don't want him to be my president, but I do think that every legislature/parliament needs a few stubborn contrarians.
Anyhow, if you go, please take the necessary precautions to avoid heat stroke and dehydration.
Tuesday, August 07, 2007
...ASAT's Fake Emmy Ballot: Writing
* Robert Carlock for 30 Rock (episode: "Jack-tor")
* Tina Fey for 30 Rock (episode: "Tracy Does Conan")
* Ricky Gervais and Stephen Merchant for Extras (episode: "Daniel Radcliffe")
* Greg Daniels for The Office (episode: "Gay Witch Hunt")
* Michael Schur for The Office (episode: "The Negotiation")
The 30 Rock mark in me really wants to fake vote for Carlock, as "Jack-tor" was one of the funniest episodes of anything in recent years. However, I feel that it was Alec Baldwin (a master character actor) playing someone without any acting skills at all who made the show a TV moment for the ages. "Gay Witch Hunt," on the other hand, owes its greatness to a well-crafted script that analyzes homophobia in the workplace specifically and in society as a whole from the perspective of those who are open with their disdain of homosexuals (Angela) and those who don't realize that they aren't as open-minded as they might think/wish (Michael).
Outstanding Writing for a Drama Series
* Ronald D. Moore for Battlestar Galactica (episode: "Occupation/Precipice")
* Carlton Cuse and Damon Lindelof for Lost (episode: "Through the Looking Glass")
* David Chase and Matthew Weiner for The Sopranos (episode: "Kennedy and Heidi")
* Terence Winter for The Sopranos (episode: "The Second Coming")
* David Chase for The Sopranos (episode: "Made in America")
Um, I don't watch any of these shows, so I will pretend to vote for Moore based on the fact that my wife one time said that she might want to get the show on DVD.
Outstanding Writing for a Variety, Music or Comedy Program
* Late Night With Conan O'Brien
* Late Show With David Letterman
* Real Time With Bill Maher
* The Colbert Report
* The Daily Show With John Stewart
I haven't had much of a chance to watch any of these shows this year, so I have to go with what I have seen. While I figure that either Stewart or Colbert's show will win, I gotta give my pseudo-nod to Conan, based on a complex formula illustrating frequency and severity of chuckling whenever watching any of these shows.
Monday, August 06, 2007
The Cabell County Court House
In fact, I can only find one crappy photo of the court house. This pic is faded, washed-out, and blurry.
Where can it be found? You guessed it, at the official website for Cabell County.
Friday, August 03, 2007
Rejected state slogans, part 1.
- Alabama: "Celebrating Helen Keller, Our State's Most Articulate Native"
- Alaska: "Come shoot a polar bear before they all drown"
- Arizona: "Just Because We Hate Mexicans And Fought The MLK Holiday, That Doesn't Make Us Racists, Right?"
- Arkansas: "The Pride of Mississippi"
- California: "Still Apologizing for Pauly Shore"
- Colorado: "As Seen On South Park"
- Connecticut: "The One Place Where Yacht Accidents Aren't A Little Funny"
- Delaware: "Where du Ponts Marry Their Cousins"
- Florida: "Proof That Democracy Simply Does Not Work"
- Georgia: "Where 'Fellated-While-Black' Is A Felony"
Thursday, August 02, 2007
...ASAT's Fake Emmy Ballot: Guest Actors
First up, Guest Actors and Actresses (BTW, why differentiate? Would the WV Bar Assc. give a "Best Girl Lawyer" award?):
Outstanding Guest Actor in a Drama Series
* Christian Clemenson for playing Jerry Espenson on Boston Legal
* Forest Whitaker for playing Curtis Ames on ER
* David Morse for playing Michael Tritter on House
* Eli Wallach for playing Eli Weintraub on Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip
* John Goodman for playing Judge Robert Bebe on Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip
* Tim Daly for playing J.T. Dolan on The Sopranos
I'm probably going to vote for John Goodman for any award, any time (just wait 'til you see my Fake Nobel Prize ballot). He brought the same hard-but-likable shtick that has made him the finest working American character actor to his roll as a tough-but-fair Nevada judge who was called away from a fishing trip by he Governor in order to sort out a legal mess for an S60 cast member. Morse would be my second choice. As for the others, Whitaker was unimpressive on ER, Boston Legal sucks, Wallach is only nominated 'cause he is in his 90s, and I'm still holding 8 seasons of Wings against Daly (note: Weber and Church have been forgiven).
Outstanding Guest Actor in a Comedy Series
* Martin Landau for playing Bob Ryan on Entourage
* Ian McKellen for playing himself on Extras
* Stanley Tucci for playing David Ruskin on Monk
* Beau Bridges for playing Carl Hickey on My Name is Earl
* Giovanni Ribisi for playing Ralph Mariano on My Name is Earl
Despite threats from my dark galactic lord, Xenu, about voting for him, Ribisi was awesome as Earl's bad influence and deserves the nod. I always say that anyone who grew up in Appalachia can relate to at least one character on Earl, and, for me, I knew about 5 Ralphs while growing up. I'd honestly be OK with any of the others winning, too, as all are bad-ass in the acting dept.
Outstanding Guest Actress in a Drama Series
* Jean Smart for playing Martha Logan on 24
* Kate Burton for playing Ellis Grey on Grey's Anatomy
* Elizabeth Reaser for playing Jane Doe on Grey's Anatomy
* Leslie Caron for playing Lorraine Chalmers on Law & Order: Special Victims Unit
* Marcia Gay Harden for playing Star Morrison on Law & Order: Special Victims Unit
I've been a fan of Oscar-winner Harden since the short-lived The Education of Max Bickford, a terrific drama that had the misfortune of debuting in the wake of 9-11, when no one wanted quality leftish, academicy TV drama. On SVU she was solid as an undercover cop in a white supremacist group. Look for her to become a regular on the show is a cast member leaves in the future. As for the others, I do not remember Caron's character and I cannot stand anything about either 24 or Grey's, so I ain't votin' for anything related to those shows.
Outstanding Guest Actress in a Comedy Series
* Elaine Stritch for playing Colleen Donaghy on 30 Rock
* Dixie Carter for playing Gloria Hodge on Desperate Housewives
* Laurie Metcalf for playing Carolyn Bigsby on Desperate Housewives
* Judith Light for playing Claire Meade on Ugly Betty
* Salma Hayek for playing Sofia Reyes on Ugly Betty
'Cause of this scene.
Wednesday, August 01, 2007
Digital and analog TV reception in Huntington, WV: August 2007
- 3-WSAZ (NBC), Analog. The signal is very clear.
- 3.1-WSAZ (NBC), Digital, High Def when available, essentially rebroadcasts channel 3. Gets perfect reception 99% of the time.
- 3.2-MyZ (My Network TV), Digital, Standard Def. Great reception.
- 8-WCHS (ABC), Analog. Rather weak signal. Antenna manipulation is usually needed to make the programs watchable.
- 9.1-WSWP (PBS), Digital. Standard Def. Good signal. It is the digital version of the main WV PBS feed. Identical content to 33.1.
- 9.2-Create, Digital. Standard Def. Shows mainly cooking and DIY programs from PBS. Identical to 33.2.
- 9.3-WSWP HD. Comes from a national feed of HD TV format shows. Shows tend to be heavily repeated, but are usually visually appealing. The exact same feed can also be found on 33.3 and 33.4.
- 11-WVAH (FOX), Analog. Same as WCHS in the signal department, but a tad bit worse. It can take a few minutes to get your picture set to a tolerable level.
- 13-WOWK (CBS), Analog. Good reception most of the time.
- 13.1-WOWK (CBS), Digital, High Def when available, essentially rebroadcasts channel 13. This channel sometimes requires the antenna to be moved around a bit to get the best reception. It has a great picture for HD, but when showing standard definition programs, there is a weird offset with an overhang from the right side of the picture on the left side of the screen. The channel is also prone to skitching out during any sort of cloudy weather event.
- 13.2-Digital, Standard def live transmission of WOWK's Doppler radar. Also showed some alternative games in SD during March Madness. As with 13.1, sometimes requires some antenna tweaking. since it is just a weather map, however, perfect reception is not exactly necessary.
- 17-Home Shopping Network, Analog.
- 30-WQCW (The CW), Analog. Very weak signal, requires extensive antenna manipulation. Even then, the signal is barely watchable and is only tolerable for sports and rasslin'.
- 33-WPBY (PBS), Analog. Usually has very good to excellent reception.
- 33.1-WPBY (PBS), Digital, Standard Def. This channel is the same as 9.1.
- 33.2-Create, Digital, Standard Def, Same as 9.2
- 33.3-WPBY HD, same as 9.3 and 33.4
- 33.4-WBPY HD, same as 9.3 and 33.3
- 44.1-WTSF (Daystar) Digital, Standard Def. Christian channel. Is affiliated with channel 61.
- 61-WTSF (Daystar) Analog Christian channel.