... A Sour Apple Tree

Your source for fast and/or frozen food reviews, Huntington and/or West Virginia commentary, rasslin' (not wrestling) nostalgia, bad parody, dumb satire, rejected slogans, pointless lists, unreliable sports predictions, and funny local pictures.

Location: Huntington, WV, United States

I'm a 37 year-old guy from Huntington, WV.

Thursday, February 07, 2008

Conway Twitty: The Man, The Myth, The Cherry-Poppin' Daddy

No one, and I mean no one, moistened the panties quite like Conway Twitty did back in the day. In fact, many West Virginians owe their very existence to Conway and a bottle of Thunderbird.

Here are some of his classics:

"The Rose"

Wow, Bette Midler is totally his bitch.

Whenever I hear this, I think of that scene from Napoleon Dynamite where the "Helping Hands" club signs this song. You know, if I had a nickel for every time I've seen this song performed in sign language, I'd totally go buy a Vault Zero.

"Hello Darlin'"

One of my buddies was a firm believer that "once you nail a chick, you can hit it again, whenever, forever," While I doubt it would be true for me or him, you bet your sweet Aspercreme that Conway could pull it off. In this tune, Twitty is trying to recycle some poon from a few years back. My guess: he scores.

"Louisiana Woman, Mississippi Man"

"Hey baby, I'm from Mississippi and you're, like, from Louisiana. Wanna do it? uhuhuhuhuhuh."

"You've Never Been This Far Before"

Finally, my all-time favorite Conway Twitty tune. Our hero is totally about to bang the bejesus out of a virgin (+10 points under Spur Posse rules).

Any time that I have ever heard an old relative gripe about how music today is full of sex and filth, I make it a point to flip through their record collection and, with one exception, this song has been present. Fucking hypocrites.

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Blogger Buzzardbilly said...

So Conway goes green and recycles poon, huh?

Excellent post. Have to say I never really noticed how dirty "You've Never Been This Far Before" is.

Thursday, February 07, 2008  
Anonymous Muze Euterpe said...

Now Chris, back in the day you didn't flat out say what you wanted. The thrill was in the suggestion. And it still is.

It is much more fun when there are clothes on and you take them off than just having someone show up neckid. Well, for me it is anyway. lol

Today you young'uns just say "Wanna f*?". Where's the fun in that?

Thursday, February 07, 2008  
Blogger Evil Twin's Wife said...

You have a typo on "there" - you mean "their record collection". However, this filthy post gave me so many dirty thoughts. The Evil Twin will get a blow job tonight!

Thursday, February 07, 2008  
Blogger Chris James said...

Typo fixed.

And enjoy your new pearl necklace. :P

Thursday, February 07, 2008  

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