... A Sour Apple Tree
Your source for fast and/or frozen food reviews, Huntington and/or West Virginia commentary, rasslin' (not wrestling) nostalgia, bad parody, dumb satire, rejected slogans, pointless lists, unreliable sports predictions, and funny local pictures.
- Name: Christopher Scott Jones
- Location: Huntington, WV, United States
I'm a 37 year-old guy from Huntington, WV.
Sunday, August 31, 2008
Thursday, August 28, 2008
Inherit the Wind 2: Attack of the Octopotamus
I say "huzzah!" If the theory of evolution had any validity at all, then some sort of laser-shooting species of ninja octopotamus would have evolved and wiped us all out with their razor-tipped tentacles and death-ray eye blasters. Let's see that British atheist guy put that in his pipe and smoke it.
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
More advice for Marshall students
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
...ASAT fake restaurant rankings for August 26, 1998
1. Calamity Cafe: The Cadillac Ranch dressing. Three kinds of butter. Half-pound burgers. Thank God this place is close to campus, as I have to waddle for three hours after every lunch there. I bet they could open up another restaurant and franchise this place and totally not screw it up and sink everything. My one complaint would be the Pepsi. What self-respecting bar doesn't have Coke?
2. Rax: The BBC is the best sandwich ever conceived. I hope that they start selling their BBQ sauce.
3. Chili Willi's: I hate walking all the way to 9th Street (home of the plaza rats) but the unique charm of the cramped location and an unwavering commitment to quality have hardened this place's reputation with its loyal clientele.
4. Mycrofts: They have a great "toofer" happy hour special on brews and burgers. My only fear is that this new student rec center that our new student body president, Brandy Jacobs, is pushing will lead to the leveling of the lot and, with the way plans change, the site will probably just end up being a place for doctors, lawyers, and engineers to get sloshed on Saturday mornings in the fall.
5. Stewart's: All of my new friends from Huntington swear by this place for the best hot dogs. I'm still getting used to them, but I'm sure that I will one day come to love upside-down bean-paste dogs with not slaw and I, like everyone else, won't shut up about how awesome they are.
6. B-W 3's: On 25 cent wing night, I totally Mao on all the flavors. Plus, I can play trivia against other drunks all across the country!
7. Ward's: It's 2 AM and you are wasted. What are you doing? That's right, ordering 6 crullers and 3 hot dogs with sauce. Just don't ask them to break a $20.
8. Nawab: This new Indian food is saaaa-weet. I could totally see how folks could eat this 3 or 4 times a week!
9. Giovanni's Pizza: A chill place to hang out while serving a 3 month ban from the Stoned Monkey for smuggling in a beer bong and a 17 year-old friend from high school. Good breadstix, to boot.
10. Memorial Student Center: Try topping a Pizza Hut pizza with some Chick-fil-A slaw.
So, whaddya say, anyone wanna meet me at Calamity tonight?
Monday, August 25, 2008
Tips for Marshall students for Monday.
- Once upon a time, you could use your meal plan to pay for Chick-fil-A for Friday dinner. If this is still the case, make sure to date a Catholic and then go with him/her and some of his/her friends from the Marshall Newman Marshall Catholic Marshall Center to the MSC on a Friday during lent and make sweet mouthlove to your sandwich as they eat cottage cheese and pineapple.
- You can get a free hot dog at Hillbilly Hot Dogs on 3rd Ave if you memorize and sing their jingle.
- New China Garden (6th Ave & 8th St) has the best Chinese food.
- The stairwell and elevators in TTW may look just like those in TTE, but you aren't allowed to pee or spit in them.
- Turn down the first 20 or so invites from friends to go to any on-campus group (save academic honoraries) from friends, even if you think you might be interested. This will allow you to sort out the cultish and the exploitative from the chill.
- The best student-ccessible bathroom is in the honors suite near the ass-end of Old Main's second floor. Just act like you belong there (a Hollister shirt might help) and no one will bother you.
- Liberal artisans: you gotta take 3 sciences. Be sure that rocks for jocks and physical geography are two of them.
- Non-COLA students: a minor in history or lit or philosophy looks great on any transcript.
- Pick up a minor in your foreign language.
- Don't be scared of GAs for 100-level classes. They often give more of a crap about an introductory class than an over-worked tenure-track prof would.
Saturday, August 23, 2008
R U Ready?
Do you have the cojones?
I sure as hell don't but, if you do, be sure to tell me about it.
I'll be rootin' for ya while I'm back in Huntington playing pinball on my computer.
Friday, August 22, 2008
Plastic shopping bags
Proponents of such legislation have, however, ignored the fact that many plastic shopping bags are recycled and find a second or third life after leaving Albertson's or QFC. I have, therefore, tasked my too-stoned-to-graduate-on-time-without-taking-D-session-classes summer interns from the Robert C. Byrd School of Blogonomics with one final project before the fall semester.
They will be testing those reusable canvas shopping bags for tasks commonly associated with old shopping bags.
Test 1--Dog Poop: Fail. Our intern reported significant design issues with the canvas bag as relating to picking up dog droppings, including conditions such as "stinky palm" and "shit under the fingernails for a week." She had to throw the bag away at the park and it likely took up for landfill space than its plastic counterpart, although the fact that the dog had just consumed a quart of expired Hot Dog Stand chili sauce may have contributed to the degree of difficulty for the intern.
Test 2--Choking Dolphins: Fail. As dolphins and other fish will often swallow plastic bags, we used a Department of Education grant to send an intern to Sea World to see if she could successfully choke a dolphin with a canvas shopping bag. First, she placed a fish in the bag and tossed it in the tanking, hoping that the dolphin would swallow it whole, but it just retrieved the fish from the bag and went about its business. Next, she tried placing the bag over the dolphin's head, but it would not stay attached, as they don't have earlobes. Finally, she tried cramming it down its blowhole but, by that point, the security guard had stopped macking on the single moms and kicked her out of the park.
Test 3--Luggage: Fail. Another intern recently delivered a paper comparing the relationship between LOLcats and the O RLY owl with that between Booker T. Washington and WEB DuBois at a conference in Washington DC, so I had him use canvas bags instead of plastic ones for packing his wet swimsuits and toiletries. As they were not water resistant, his trunks seeped water onto his souvenir tie-dye shirt from the House gift shop and, as they could not be tied-off as easily, his toothbrush spilled into some of his dirty clothes and left an embarrassing stain on the rear seam of his Express Design Studio pants that will be sure to cause giggles a' plenty at the dry cleaners.
Test 4--Storing Christmas Lights: Pass. Even though it can be kind of pricey to use these bags for Xmas light storage, they reduce knotting and tangling by some 33%.
Test 5--Huffing Glue: Fail. Too much oxygen passes through the canvas. Thank God that one didn't work; I have no idea if BrickStreet has a form for injuries caused from authorized on-the-job inhalant abuse.
Test 6--Lunch Bag: Fail. One of the interns works part-time at a construction, so I had him pack his PB & J and can of Sun Drop in an eco-friendly canvas bag from Whole Foods rather than the usual WalMart plastic jobby. He reported that his co-workers called him a "freakin' homo" and then they all agreed to vote for Butch Paugh for governor.
With only one pass, ...ASAT's interns have concluded that now is not the time for a transition to canvas shopping bags. So, whether you enjoy chokin' the dolphins or sniffing your fingers, the next time your at the store, ask them to double bage everything.
Thursday, August 21, 2008
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
...ASAT restaurant ranking for August 20, 2008
2. Julian's Grocery deli dept.: You could rightly argue that it is technically not a restaurant, but I would counter by posing the question of "if it isn't at least a drive-in, then why I do I always eat three cannolis and half of the hummus before I pull out of the parking area?"
3. Sam's Hot Dog Stand: Mmmm, that sauce.
4. Rocco's: Just like a trip to NYC, without all of the a-holes. This is arguably the best Italian food in the state and is without a doubt the best south of Clarksburg.
5. M & M Dairy Bell: Bacon. Cheddar. Fries.
6. Nawab: The service is crappy, the prices are high, and I almost guarantee that they'll screw up your takeout order somehow, but that won't matter. Your food, though it might not be what you technically ordered, will still be a top notch example of commercial (ie not made by someone's grandma) Indian food at its best.
7. Panera: Carbs are officially back.
8. Jewel City Seafood: Might be the best seafood in a hundred mile radius.
9. Tudors: West Virginia is supposedly the second fattest state. Maybe the CDC might step in to limit the Biscuit World's expansion outside of WV & KY.
10. Husson's: Attention incoming Marshall freshmen: the best pizza is found just across from Old Main. Get off of your duffs and walk over instead of having one of the nat'l chains deliver.
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
Sunday, August 17, 2008
Saturday, August 16, 2008
Free McDonald's Southern Style Chicken coupon
Friday, August 15, 2008
...ASAT trolls the songs of the early '80s
This was originally a post break-up song but, after the drug-related death of a band member, it became a snapshot of Chrissie Hynde's attempt to wrestle with the concept of death and dying young. To me, the song can be viewed for through the lens of any final and permanent change in any sort of relationship status between two people. The emotional theme, catchy riffs, and poetic lyrics make this one of the best rock songs of the 1980s.
Stevie Wonder: "I Just Called to Say I Love You"
In 1984, you could not go 30 minutes without hearing this song on every station or over the speakers at Heck's and Big Bear. While I might have gotten sick of this one as a wee young lad, my recent rediscovery of this track on youtube confirms what program directors knew back then: this is a great f'n love song.
Molly Hatchet: "Flirtin' with Disaster"
Ever gone 65 on a one-lane gravel road in a 20 year-old car? I'd bet that this song was on a mixtape in said car. It is scientifically proven that this song makes Bud Light taste 25% better and size 12 women 15% sexier than their size 6 counterparts.
God, I miss that car.
Wham!: "Wham Rap!"
Hey-suse cristoes, this is really awful. In all fairness, though, rap was brand spankin' new, especially in England and no one knew just how silly George Michael rapping about having fun with the "boys that (he) meets" would sound after 25 years of hindsight and, furthermore, he is a better MC than Debbie Harry. That said, try really hard to watch this and not giggle.
Saturday, August 09, 2008
I'm goin' hungry...
Thursday, August 07, 2008
...ASAT Preseason NFL Picks #1
1. New England Patriots
2. Buffalo Bills
3. New York Jets
4. Miami Dolphins
1. Cleveland Browns
2. Pittsburgh Steelers
3. Baltimore Ravens
4. Cincinnati Bengals
1. Jacksonville Jaguars
2. Indianapolis Colts
3. Tennessee Titans
4. Houston Texans
1. San Diego Chargers
2. Denver Broncos
3. Oakland Raiders
4. Kansas City Chiefs
1. Dallas Cowboys
2. Washington Redskins
3. New York Giants
4. Philadelphia Eagles
1. Minnesota Vikings
2. Chicago Bears
3. Green Bay Packers
4. Detroit Lions
1. Tampa Bay Buccaneers
2. Carolina Panthers
3. New Orleans Saints
4. Atlanta Falcons
1. Seattle Seahawks
2. Arizona Cardinals
3. St. Louis Rams
4. San Fransisco 49ers
AFC Wild Card
5. Colts @ 4. Browns
6. Steelers @ 3. Jaguars
NFC Wild Card
5. Bears @ 4. Buccaneers
6. Packers @ 3. Cowboys
4. Browns @ 1. Patriots
3. Jaguars @ 2. Chargers
5. Bears @ 1. Vikings
3. Cowboys @ 2. Seahawks
Chargers @ Patriots
Cowboys @ Vikings
Cowboys vs. Patriots