... A Sour Apple Tree

Your source for fast and/or frozen food reviews, Huntington and/or West Virginia commentary, rasslin' (not wrestling) nostalgia, bad parody, dumb satire, rejected slogans, pointless lists, unreliable sports predictions, and funny local pictures.

Location: Huntington, WV, United States

I'm a 37 year-old guy from Huntington, WV.

Tuesday, September 30, 2008

...and I feel fine

Right now we stand at one of those lame cliche turning points in history where we might be on the precipice of tons of new possible historical epochs. World-wide depression? The decline of the American hegemony? Beachfront property in Hardy County? A complete collapse of the Middle East economy sue to alternative fuels? It's all on the table right now.

As for me, I'm cool. You know, during the Great Depression, they asked some black folk about the economic woes. To paraphrase, one guy said something like "What depression? I just white folk as poor as I am now." Well, I don't have a mortgage, as it would have been irresponsible to have taken one out in our situation, so I can't really feel sorry for the soft-skulled suburbanites who didn't read the fine print and might have to---gasp---move back into an apartment. The same goes for Wall Street. These assholes have been trying to jack my interest rate for years, thinking that I wouldn't call and bitch out their outsourced underlings at the call centers in India, DC, and Appalachia. Now I'm supposed to give a fuck when these guys get their come-uppins? Hell no.

It might be the end of y'all's world (but, hell, I feel fine).

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Monday, September 29, 2008

Mating Ritual of Interstate Highway Shields

Caught for the first time on film, here is the mating and courtship ritual of the American Interstate Highway Shield (s. interstati). Notice the male I-64 sign dangle from the thorax of the female I-68 marker.
After successful implantation of the sperm, the male sign will promptly drop dead and will be consumed by the female.

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Sunday, September 28, 2008

Budweiser American Ale?

Has anyone seen it in stores yet? If so, where?

11-05-08 Update: They have it at South Side Chevron (9th Ave & 10th St) in Huntington. Review pending.

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The History of Everything

Not only is it a great theme song to a funny show, it's also about as good of a scientific history lesson as you can get in two minutes.

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Friday, September 26, 2008

...ASAT Week 4 NFL Picks

Last week I went 9-7, bringing me to 28-19 overall. This week:

Atlanta Falcons at Carolina Panthers
Cleveland Browns
at Cincinnati Bengals
Houston Texans at Jacksonville Jaguars
Denver Broncos at Kansas City Chiefs
San Francisco 49ers at New Orleans Saints
Arizona Cardinals at
N.Y. Jets
Green Bay Packers at Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Minnesota Vikings at
Tennessee Titans
San Diego Chargers
at Oakland Raiders
Buffalo Bills at St. Louis Rams

Washington Redskins at Dallas Cowboys
Philadelphia Eagles at Chicago Bears
Baltimore Ravens at Pittsburgh Steelers

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Mean Gene's Pizza

I've seen the sign for a "Mean Gene's Pizza" in Hurricane for ages but I've never actually bothered to stop in an have a taste. I'm not even sure if the sports bar still sells the stuff.

Well, has anyone out their eaten at any of Okerlund's restaurants? They any good?

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Wednesday, September 24, 2008


My guess is that a couple of beautician sisters had heard of the band and thought that it would be quite a clever name for a salon. A simple Google search, however, regarding the origin of the musicians' moniker could have prevented this hilarity.

Thank Hawkgirl that they didn't.

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Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Thank God for West Virginia not having front license plates like Ohio

'Cause then I wouldn't have found this:
Man, now I wish that I could take a chaw without barfing for ten minutes so I could start and get me one of these for my ride.

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Friday, September 19, 2008

...ASAT Week 3 NFL picks

Last week I was 9-6, brining my season stats to 19-12. Here are this week's picks:

Kansas City Chiefs at Atlanta Falcons
Oakland Raiders at Buffalo Bills

Tampa Bay Buccaneers at Chicago Bears
Carolina Panthers
at Minnesota Vikings
Miami Dolphins at New England Patriots

Cincinnati Bengals at N.Y. Giants
Houston Texans
at Tennessee Titans
Arizona Cardinals at Washington Redskins
New Orleans Saints at Denver Broncos
Detroit Lions at San Francisco 49ers
St. Louis Rams at Seattle Seahawks

Cleveland Browns at Baltimore Ravens
Jacksonville Jaguars at Indianapolis Colts
Pittsburgh Steelers at Philadelphia Eagles

Dallas Cowboys at Green Bay Packers
N.Y. Jets at San Diego Chargers

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Thursday, September 18, 2008

Robert Byrd is a better actor than the other guy.

In Anne Barth's new TV ad, Sen. Robert Byrd stumps for her congressional bid against Shelley Moore Capito. While the one guy is doing a bad impression of that douche from the Bob Evans commercials, Byrd, erm, plays himself.

It'll be interesting to see if god-king of West Virginia politics has enough coattails to get his chief lieutenant elected and thereby hand-pick his political heir.

My guess is that this will be the race to watch in WV this year.

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Iron Man's Hall of Armor

Recently, billionaire industrialist, super hero, and all-around patriot Tony Stark gave ...ASAT a tour of his Hall of Armor.

Now that it what I call a real American hero. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm off to Dremel some bullet holes in my Captain America (unregistered traitor scum) action figures.

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Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Han shot first

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Real Appalachian Heroes: Cecil Underwood

"West Virginia will obey the law."

In this place, in that time, that took a real friggin' pair.

Words alone cannot express the gratitude that needs to be shown to Gov. Underwood, so, instead, the next cold one is for you, sir.

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Tuesday, September 16, 2008

If I Had The Book: The Brain Busters

During their relatively brief run in the WWF, former Horsemen Arn Anderson and Tully Blanchard were packaged almost exclusively as a tag team, The Brain Busters, and were never given much of a singles push. They had a run as tag team champs, but individual gold and glory was not to be up north. My guess is the VKM & Co. didn't quite realize what they had in these guys and quietly let them go back to Atlanta (Tully would flunk a pee test and never hit the WCW ring again, while Arn would further develop his badass enforcer image).

Well, if I had been the bookerman for the WWF in the late 80s, this is how it'd gone down:

"Like a white night's shelf, or the pro wrestling hall of fame." Hell yeah.

Bonus feature: check out the abs of the two figures and guess which one is now an exec with the WWE who likely oversaw the development of these figures and which one now runs a prison ministry.

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Monday, September 15, 2008

Polar Bear Swimming at Brocks Bridge, Summersville Lake, West Virginia

Here are some kids from Webster County taking a dip at Brocks Bridge in Summersville, WV:

My feelings about dumb stunts (...ASAT legally has to frown on even totally sweet stunts at the lake 'cause the ACoE are paper-pushing fun nazis), teenage tobacco consumption (smoking causes cancer and a funny sense of entitlement regarding your "right" to smoke in bars, restaurants, churches, WalMart, etc.), and Webster County (got cheese?) aside, it is just good to hear some folks who talk normal after 2 weeks of Sarah Palin's grating Minnesoooooooootan accent ("lipstick...").

Oh, and a note to the girl who ain't ne'er seen a black dude turn "red." Get him some moonshine, as it tends to turn just about anyone's neck red.


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Sunday, September 14, 2008

Andouille Sausage Dog with Cincinnati Chili Four-Way Fries

The other day I had a fat free lunch of hoppin' john and rice, so I had me some room to maneuver come dinner time. Here's what I did to bring balance into my diet:

I topped an Andouille sausage with pan-fried Vidalia onions and Cleveland Stadium Mustard and served it with some fries topped with Skyline Chili, finely shredded cheddar cheese, diced Vidalia onion, and Frank's Red Hot.

In the interest of health, I paired the meal with a Diet A&W Cream Soda.

I give this meal a 4.5 out of 5 low dose aspirins. I would like to try this using some McDonald's fries. I might lay off on the onions once the sweet onions get scarce.

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Saturday, September 13, 2008

...ASAT Week 2 NFL Picks

Last week I was 10-6. Here's this week's picks:

Chicago Bears at Carolina Panthers
Tennessee Titans at Cincinnati Bengals
Green Bay Packers at Detroit Lions

Buffalo Bills at Jacksonville Jaguars
Oakland Raiders at Kansas City Chiefs
Indianapolis Colts at Minnesota Vikings
N.Y. Giants at St. Louis Rams
New Orleans Saints at
Washington Redskins
San Francisco 49ers at Seattle Seahawks
Atlanta Falcons at Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Miami Dolphins at Arizona Cardinals
San Diego Chargers at Denver Broncos

Baltimore Ravens at Houston Texans*
New England Patriots at N.Y. Jets
Pittsburgh Steelers at Cleveland Browns
Philadelphia Eagles at Dallas Cowboys

*Postpwnd by Ike

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Friday, September 12, 2008

Try This At Home: Bacon and Cheddar Cheese Matzowich

As can be expected in a post-industrial city of 50 large in the Appalachian Rust Belt, Huntington's nations-to-tribe ratio is rather high, especially in comparison to nearby cities like Cincinnati, Columbus, and Pittsburgh. This means that many of the products in the small kosher sections of Krogers, Food Fair, etc., often end up in the clearance cart with some degree of frequency.

I stumbled across some egg matzos for a buck the other day and said "why not?" While I ate most of them as snack crackers (seasoned with Frank's Red Hot or Tony Chachere's), I did try a few culinary 'speriments to see if I could create a delicious entree/sandwich/whatever with this value-tastic product.

I've seen some advert for breakfast flatbread sam'miches recently, so I figured I'd give it a whirl. I warmed the matzo in the oven and made a mess of bacon. I cracked the matzo in the middle along the convenient breaklines and topped with some of the bacon and some finely-shredded cheddar.

This was really good. The next time I am going to nuke the matzo instead of toasting, as it got too crispy to hold. I also think an egg, fried in the style of Tudor's Biscuit World, and a black market slice of the government cheese instead of fancy-pants cheddar would bring a lot to the sandwich. Another future incarnation might involve a slice of county ham, as the unsalted cracker bread could mellow the funk of the fine Virginia swine.

I give it 4 out of 5 broke-ass wage slaves trying to maintain their culinary dignity.

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Thursday, September 11, 2008

Rollin' with The Murph

This is how I ball.

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Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Don't try this at home: Sausage 'n Gravy Bagel

This ain't no chocolate 'n peanut butter. This is more like the result of pouring a full synthetic motor oil on some truffles or naming Vikings phenom Adrian Peterson as the chief distiller at Maker's Mark.

I give it 1 out of 5 Michael Jordans playing baseball or golf.

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Tuesday, September 09, 2008

Old Spam

Here is something that I remember my college friend MW saying sometime in 97-98:

"I just downloaded a sweet program that looks at my web history and reccomends products and services based on my searches and surfing!!"

This guy is now a doctor.

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Sunday, September 07, 2008

Sir Charles for Governor?

Buzzfeed has the story.

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Pick tomorrow's lunch

Lean Cuisine BBQ Chicken Pizza or Simply Asia Sweet 'n Sour Chow Mein Noodles? I'm waaay too into football (ie Samuel Adams Octoberfest) to make a decision.

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Cleveland Browns on Fox 11 today.

Holy intelligent sports programming, Batman!

Fox 11 will be showing the Browns game today at 4 PM and I'm shickled titless. Nothing like a good season and an opening game against arguably the most popular and storied team in the history of the post-merger NFL.

The Steelers are playing Steve Slaton and the Houston Uteri at 1 PM on WOWK 13 and the Bengals will be playing on closed-circuit TV at all local jails, homeless shelters, and bath houses.

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Thursday, September 04, 2008

...ASAT Week 1 NFL Picks

Washington at NY Giants
at Atlanta
Seattle at Buffalo
Jacksonville at Tennessee
NY Jets at Miami
Kansas City at
New England
Tampa Bay at New Orleans
St. Louis at Philadelphia
Houston at
Cincinnati at Baltimore

Carolina at San Diego
Arizona at San Francisco
Dallas at Cleveland
Chicago at Indianapolis
Minnesota at Green Bay
Denver at Oakland

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I spelt it gud

From WSAZ's coverage of the cop and fire fighter unions endorsement of Kim Wolfe for mayor:
Snarky camerawork aside, this was a pretty good story from Dave Benton at WSAZ that gives both sides of the "revenge" vs. "not revenge" reasoning behind the fire fighters' and (to a lesser degree) the police officers' decision to buck the traditional union backing of the Democratic (incumbent David Felinton) in favor of former HPD officer and current Republican Sheriff Kim Wolfe. This comes after their health premiums were increased by the city. Click here for the full story.

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Oh God

No, not the 1977 George Burns flick. The GOP convention.

The person running the Republican roll call just called us "Virginia."

I bet her cousin in Roanoke must be proud.

Also, I saw Triumph, the Insult Comic Dog lurking behind Russ Weeks (not introduced as "the next governor," BTW), so keep an eye on Conan tomorrow.

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Wednesday, September 03, 2008

Nice work, WV PBS

WV PBS's HD feed just cut out for about 30 seconds of Sarah Palin's speech. Way to turn of the automated identification bumper.

It's a good thing that I'm reading along with her on the web.

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Tuesday, September 02, 2008

G.O.B. Bluth on Sarah Palin

Wait a second... wait, wait, wait. Take off your glasses. Oh... wait, wait. Let down your hair. No, glasses on, hair back up. Let’s just get that hair right back up.

(Scene can be found at 6:30-7:00)

Quote courtesy of the Balboa Observer-Picayune.

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