... A Sour Apple Tree

Your source for fast and/or frozen food reviews, Huntington and/or West Virginia commentary, rasslin' (not wrestling) nostalgia, bad parody, dumb satire, rejected slogans, pointless lists, unreliable sports predictions, and funny local pictures.

Location: Huntington, WV, United States

I'm a 37 year-old guy from Huntington, WV.

Friday, October 31, 2008

Pointless ...ASAT Endorsement: County Commission

Susan Hubbard (D). Susan Hubbard is SMART. Nacy Cartmill is merely s.m.r.t.

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Wednesday, October 29, 2008

...ASAT Top Five Bob Evans Menu Items

1. Wildfire BBQ Sauce, pre-2001. The sauce used to be zestier, spicier, and, well, better tasting than it is now. I guess they had to tone it down for the "old white folk" demographic that seems to make up 80% of their customer base. But, man, it rawked on a bacon cheeseburger. I wish they would bring it back as "Wildfire Classic" or something.

2. Cobb Salad w/ Colonial Dressing. The salad has everything that one could possibly want on a salad (and then some) and the uber-sweet dressing goes well with all of that bacon and bleu cheese.

3. Spinach, Bacon, & Tomato Country Benedict. A warning: if your BE kinda sucks, they will screw up this riff on eggs Benedict. It will be too greasy or too soggy or under/over cooked or downright cold. The KineticPark Bob has never, ever, ever made this one right, while the locations in Teays Valley and 3rd Ave always hit it out of the park.

4. Sunshine Skillet. It's like the world's best breakfast biscuit (egg, sausage, cheese, gravy, taters) exploded on your plate and you get to clean it up.

5. Banana Bread. The addition of this sweet treat to the rolls and biscuits makes the pre-meal bread basket the best three-way this side of a Skyline Chili.

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Monday, October 27, 2008

Rejected Mike Teets for WV Commissioner of Agriculture Slogans

"Real Teets"
"Support Teets"
"Teets: Grab Some Change"
"Honk for Teets"
"Let West Virginia Show Its Teets"

OK, these are lame. What can y'all come up with?

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Sunday, October 26, 2008

AFC North Game Predictions

Browns over Jags
Steelers over Giants
Texans over Bengals
Ravens over Raiders

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Wednesday, October 22, 2008

...ASAT Top Five M & M Dairy Bell Menu Items

If Chesapeake, Ohio is ever forced by alien warlords to justify its existence, they would need to point no further than M & M Dairy Bell, one of the best little places to eat in the Tri State.

1. Hot dogs. Probably the best in Ohio (at least to a WVian).
2. Panther Paw. Bacon cheeseburger.
3. 'Peakes Pride. Bacon cheese fries.
4. The grape slushie and soft serve thing. I forget its name, but it is pure genius!
5. French fries.

Anyone else checked it out yet?

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Monday, October 20, 2008

Someone loan me 14 grand

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Saturday, October 18, 2008

...ASAT Top Five Gino's Menu Items.

1. The Pubwich. It's like a massif Italian sub baked in cheese-covered pizza crust.
2. A scoop of strawberry and a scoop of lemon Gelato. Try 'n find a better summer treat east of Austin's
3. Sauceless Hot Wings. I can eat 30.
4. $5.99 Large Pizza. More than a dollar better than Little Skeezers Caesar's.
5. Bread Strips. When I make bread sticks at home, these are the ones that I'm tryin' to knock-off.

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Wednesday, October 15, 2008

...ASAT 10 Favorite West Virginia Cities

1. Lewisburg
2. Marlinton
3. Huntington
4. Elkins
5. Richwood
6. Pt. Pleasant
7. Morgantown
8. Sutton
9. Charleston
10. Parkersburg

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Tuesday, October 14, 2008

How to rock

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...ASAT Top Ten Tag Teams of All Time


10. Owen Hart & The British Bulldog (imagine if Owen had ever had a latter match with HBK?)
9. Harlem Heat (in spite of Stevie Ray)
8. The Rock 'n Roll Express (watch their old shit on youtube.)
7. Fabulous Freebirds (any combo not including Jimmy Garvin)
6. Minnesota Wrecking Crew (Ole Anderson w/ either Gene or Arn Anderson)
5. Hart Foundation (Hell, Bret Hart with freakin' El Gigante would be on this list)
4. Steiner Brothers (before Scott got all huge and slow)
3. Arn Anderson & Tully Blanchard (Ph.D.s in Ring Psychology from Oxford)
2. Road Warriors (most over team ever)
1. Demolition (Ax & Smash--no Crush, please)

So what did I get right and where did I totally fail?

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Sunday, October 12, 2008

...ASAT Week 6 NFL Picks

Chicago Bears at Atlanta Falcons
Miami Dolphins at Houston Texans
Baltimore Ravens at Indianapolis Colts
Detroit Lions at Minnesota Vikings
Oakland Raiders at New Orleans Saints
Cincinnati Bengals at N.Y. Jets
Carolina Panthers at Tampa Bay Buccaneers
St. Louis Rams at Washington Redskins
Jacksonville Jaguars at Denver Broncos
Dallas Cowboys at Arizona Cardinals
Philadelphia Eagles at San Francisco 49ers
Green Bay Packers at Seattle Seahawks
New England Patriots at San Diego Chargers
N.Y. Giants at Cleveland Browns

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Friday, October 10, 2008

Repost: Build your own electoral map

I'm not getting too many ties anymore. :)

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...ASAT Top Five Chicken Wing Flavors

1. Classic Buffalo. 2 parts Frank's Red Hot, 1 part margarine, garlic powder
2. Jamaican jerk.
3. Any generic Chinese glaze
4. Grilled with lime and honey marinade
5. BW3's Spicy Garlic

Hon. Mention: Spicy/sweet BBQ and any of the 'too hot to eat more than seven wings' flavors.

Worst flavor: Honey mustard. This isn't 5th grade.

How'sabout you?

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Thursday, October 09, 2008

Eggs, Almost Heaven

In an effort to teach the toddler about geography and nutrition, I tried using my West Virginia cookie cutter from Love's Hardware to fry him up an egg.

So far, so good.

The Eastern Panhandle bites the dust.

Deglazed pan with balsamic for kid-friendly sweetness and served on a matzo from my clearance stockpile.

Epilogue: He ate most of the white and mushed the yolk, eating only a little bit. I forgot to wash the cookie cutter and it corroded :( . I gotta get another one the next time I am downtown.

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Wednesday, October 08, 2008

Top Five Menu Items: Calamity Cafe

My five favorite items from back in the day:

1) The half-pound bbq bacon burger. The jalapenos made all of the diff.
2) The bbq sauce. Ingredients include apples and a shitload of whiskey.
3) The Cadillac Ranch dressing. Fresh and spicy, as opposed to bottled and plasticy.
4) Homemade spiral fry chip thingies. Perfect for complimenting a burger or holding down six...
5) Dirty Martinis. Ol' boy knew how to make 'em. No one else in town has since.

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Tuesday, October 07, 2008

My new crack


The guy who invented sabermetrics in baseball is kicking political pollster ass.

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Monday, October 06, 2008

Top Five Menu Items: Burger King

Might as well beat this government mule 'til she drops.

My five favorite BK Items:

1. TenderCrisp Bacon Cheddar Ranch. Was this a public health hazard? 'Cause why else on God's green earth would they pull the plug on this culinary masterpiece.
2. Onion Rings. If you are really bored at work, you can build a tower of them around a marker or a highlighter.
3. Big King. One day the folks at BK were all "let's make a Big Mac that, you know, doesn't suck." And they did. It may be one of the reasons why I see my Freshman year through rose-colored hindsight.
4. Rodeo Cheeseburger. It saves me from have to dip onion rings in bbq sauce while I eat a cheeseburger.
5. Hershey's sundae pie. I once watched a friend eat an equivalent to a whole pie of these things.

What about y'all?

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Sunday, October 05, 2008

...ASAT Week 5 NFL Picks

Last week, I went 11-2 to bring my season total to 39-21.

Tennessee Titans at Baltimore Ravens
Kansas City Chiefs at Carolina Panthers
Chicago Bears at Detroit Lions

Atlanta Falcons at Green Bay Packers
Indianapolis Colts at Houston Texans
San Diego Chargers at Miami Dolphins
Seattle Seahawks at N.Y. Giants
Washington Redskins at Philadelphia Eagles
Tampa Bay Buccaneers at Denver Broncos
Buffalo Bills at Arizona Cardinals
Cincinnati Bengals at Dallas Cowboys
New England Patriots at San Francisco 49ers

Pittsburgh Steelers at Jacksonville Jaguars
Minnesota Vikings at New Orleans Saints

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Friday, October 03, 2008

Top Five Menu Items: McDonald's

Earlier this week, it was all about Tudor's. Today, I'm gonna run down my five favorite menu items from Crackdoogles.

1. Fries. Seriously, why even bother Wendy's or BK?
2. Southern Style Chicken. This is the sandwich that just might put Chik-fil-A out of business. It is just as good and, without the self-imposed blue law, I can get one on a Sunday.
3. Chicken Nuggets with curry sauce. I'm ready to to fly to England right now for some of these. Can one of you lawyers loan me a couple grand?
4. Tillamook Cheddar Big n' Tasty. I visit my in-laws based on this sandwich's availability in the Pac NW.
5. Chipotle BBQ Snack Wrap. The best product of the value wrap craze.

So how are you "lovin' it" when your slummin' it?

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Thursday, October 02, 2008

Mitch McConnell: what a douche.

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...ASAT Investment Tips

With banks failing worse than me trying to do kick flips, the dollar approaching parity with the old Italian lira, the stock market in the turlet, and a credit market so crappy that Bill Gates can't even get an Exxon card, we have to start thinking of other ways to ensure that we aren't all washing windshields at the 5th Street exit of I-64 when we retire or lose our jobs. Here are some ways to ensure the maximum bang for your buck in the new old new new economy:

1. Metals. Hoard, hoard, hoard! Pull out all of the wiring in unused parts of your house. Melt all of your copper pennies. Rip out your own catalytic converter and gold teeth. Never mind that you can still use these things for other purposes. Now is not the time for logic.

2. Guns and ammo. Are you a member of a group about which it has been commented that you'll be "first against the wall when The Revolution comes?" Well, it might be here, so you might want to be ready.

3. A liquor store, a head shop, or a pharmacy. When things get bad, people love 'em some drugs and, whether they wanna get their buzz on from alkyhall, maruh-joo-anna, or by poppin' pills, people are going to want to numb themselves a bit. Better yet, become the biggest pill pusher of them all and go to medical school and cash in on all the free dinners at the Chop House in exchange for prescribing slightly different versions of existing medicines that haven't yet entered the generic market.

4. European dentistry. Every time a European has given me the standard "why America sucks" rant, they always make plenty of valid points about the proper use of power in the world theatre, a few odd comments about 400 years of history and culture not counting as real history and culture, and a couple of statements that indicate shear jealously of our cool stuff. Well, they are already gobbling up all the iCrap that Steve Jobs can manufacture, so surely proper dentistry will be next. It will start with toothpaste, then floss, then a dentist will open a surgery in Berlin or London, and--if they ever stop acting all Gen. Ripper---fluoridated water. With the Euro and Pound whuppin' our ass, one person buying your brand of mouth rinse once a month in Lyon could very well send your kid to college (assuming that any are left other than West Point and Liberty in 15 years).

5. Shares of JPMorgan-Chase-WaMu-FritoLay-Chrysler-Comcast-Durex-Conagra-Clorox-Sunoco-LuckyStrike-Viacom-TorontoRaptors-WalMart-CitiBank. I hear that they are about to buy out the state of Kansas, which should mean big bucks for America's smallest remaining corporation.

So, there you have it. By following these simple tips, you'll be living high on the hog long after all of your friends and neighbors have starved to death (well, except the ones who've signed on as your indentured servants).

Good luck (and stay off of my property).

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Wednesday, October 01, 2008

Food porn

Check out this gallery o' biscuits over at the newly redesigned Tudor's Biscuit World website. Man, that has to be the best thumbnail collection this side of Tera Patrick.

Here are my top 5:
1. Mary B
2. Duke
3. Bacon
4. Thundering Herd
5. Dottie

Least fave: Any of the ones with melted cheese sauce. Blech.

What about y'all? Which one gives you a breakfast boner?

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