... A Sour Apple Tree

Your source for fast and/or frozen food reviews, Huntington and/or West Virginia commentary, rasslin' (not wrestling) nostalgia, bad parody, dumb satire, rejected slogans, pointless lists, unreliable sports predictions, and funny local pictures.

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Location: Huntington, WV, United States

I'm a 37 year-old guy from Huntington, WV.

Thursday, October 02, 2008

...ASAT Investment Tips

With banks failing worse than me trying to do kick flips, the dollar approaching parity with the old Italian lira, the stock market in the turlet, and a credit market so crappy that Bill Gates can't even get an Exxon card, we have to start thinking of other ways to ensure that we aren't all washing windshields at the 5th Street exit of I-64 when we retire or lose our jobs. Here are some ways to ensure the maximum bang for your buck in the new old new new economy:

1. Metals. Hoard, hoard, hoard! Pull out all of the wiring in unused parts of your house. Melt all of your copper pennies. Rip out your own catalytic converter and gold teeth. Never mind that you can still use these things for other purposes. Now is not the time for logic.

2. Guns and ammo. Are you a member of a group about which it has been commented that you'll be "first against the wall when The Revolution comes?" Well, it might be here, so you might want to be ready.

3. A liquor store, a head shop, or a pharmacy. When things get bad, people love 'em some drugs and, whether they wanna get their buzz on from alkyhall, maruh-joo-anna, or by poppin' pills, people are going to want to numb themselves a bit. Better yet, become the biggest pill pusher of them all and go to medical school and cash in on all the free dinners at the Chop House in exchange for prescribing slightly different versions of existing medicines that haven't yet entered the generic market.

4. European dentistry. Every time a European has given me the standard "why America sucks" rant, they always make plenty of valid points about the proper use of power in the world theatre, a few odd comments about 400 years of history and culture not counting as real history and culture, and a couple of statements that indicate shear jealously of our cool stuff. Well, they are already gobbling up all the iCrap that Steve Jobs can manufacture, so surely proper dentistry will be next. It will start with toothpaste, then floss, then a dentist will open a surgery in Berlin or London, and--if they ever stop acting all Gen. Ripper---fluoridated water. With the Euro and Pound whuppin' our ass, one person buying your brand of mouth rinse once a month in Lyon could very well send your kid to college (assuming that any are left other than West Point and Liberty in 15 years).

5. Shares of JPMorgan-Chase-WaMu-FritoLay-Chrysler-Comcast-Durex-Conagra-Clorox-Sunoco-LuckyStrike-Viacom-TorontoRaptors-WalMart-CitiBank. I hear that they are about to buy out the state of Kansas, which should mean big bucks for America's smallest remaining corporation.

So, there you have it. By following these simple tips, you'll be living high on the hog long after all of your friends and neighbors have starved to death (well, except the ones who've signed on as your indentured servants).

Good luck (and stay off of my property).

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4 Comments:

Blogger All Click said...

Ouch! At least you have included the whole of Europe and not just damn Brits :-p

I do actually need to visit a dentist...

What do we do if we are already washing windshields? I likes it 'cos I smell reel purty buy the end of the day.

Thursday, October 02, 2008  
Blogger Chris James said...

In Europe, people looked at my jeans, Grateful Dead t-shirts, and baseball hats the same way that I imagine folks would look at 50 Cent in East Jesus, Georgia. then I'd flash my pearly straight chompers and all would be well (at least with middle-aged women and the gay dude at the Oddbins on Mill Road).

Thursday, October 02, 2008  
Blogger All Click said...

I didn't know that you knew Brian? Did he give you the "special" discount at Oddbins, also?

Friday, October 03, 2008  
Blogger Chris James said...

Not that "one," but they would give a discount if you answered a Trivial Pursuit question correctly. Sadly, it was the Blighty edition, so all of the questions were "This test cricketer for Knotts County..." and "This future Viceroy to India served as Lord Warden of the Cinque Ports from..."

Friday, October 03, 2008  

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