... A Sour Apple Tree

Your source for fast and/or frozen food reviews, Huntington and/or West Virginia commentary, rasslin' (not wrestling) nostalgia, bad parody, dumb satire, rejected slogans, pointless lists, unreliable sports predictions, and funny local pictures.

Name:
Location: Huntington, WV, United States

I'm a 37 year-old guy from Huntington, WV.

Monday, June 30, 2008

Crude Junior High Vandalism

The other day someone brought up Jon McBride, an astronaut and would-be governor from West Virginia in conversation and it reminded me of something from junior high.

In 1994, McBride was firing up a potential political career by raising his profile statewide. One of the things that he did was send out autographed pictures to several schools. By the time the '96 election rolled around, he decided to run for governor. He opted to do so as a Republican, as the Democratic field already had the prom queen and the captain of the football team running for class president the office and his only GOP opposition was set to be a perennial also-ran, but that is a tale for another day.

Anyway, rather than framing the photo, they pinned it to a bulletin board in the busiest hallway in the building.

So the nice photo that once looked like this (note: the autograph is fake and is for demonstration purposes only:


Was vandalised like this:

Out of respect to Mr. McBride, I'm not going to overlay the images, but you get the idea.

As for me, I took no such part in such crude juvenile shenanigans.

I just wrote "AC/DC rulz."

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...ASAT Fantasy Football Top Five Picks By Team: AFC West #1

Denver Broncos
1. Jay Cutler, QB
2. Brandon Marshall, WR
3. Tony Scheffler, TE
4. Selvin Young, RB
5. Ryan Torain, RB

Kansas City Chiefs
1. Larry Johnson, RB
2. Tony Gonzalez, TE
3. Dwayne Bowe, WR
4. Kolby Smith, RB
5. Brody Coyle, QB

Oakland Raiders
1. Darren McFadden, RB
2. Javon Walker, WR
3. Justin Fargas, RB
4. Zach Miller, TE
5. JaMarcus Russell, QB

San Diego Chargers
1. LaDainian Tomlinson, RB
2. Antonio Gates, TE
3. Chris Chambers, WR
4. Phillip Rivers, QB
5. Vincent Jackson, WR

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Sunday, June 29, 2008

...ASAT Fantasy Football Top Five Picks By Team: NFC West #1

Arizona Cardinals
1. Larry Fitzgerald, WR
2. Anquan Boldin, WR
3. Edgerrin James, RB
4. Matt Leinhart, QB
5. Neil Rackers, K

San Francisco 49ers
1. Frank Gore, RB
2. Vernon Davis, TE
3. Arnaz Battle, WR
4. Isaac Bruce, WR
5. De'shaun Foster, RB

Seattle Seahawks
1. Matt Hasselbeck, QB
2. Deion Branch, WR
3. Bobby Engram, WR
4. Julius Jones, RB
5. Defense

St. Louis Rams
1. Steven Jackson, RB
2. Torry Holt, WR
3. Mark Bulger, QB
4. Randy McMichael, TE
5. Josh Brown, K

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Saturday, June 28, 2008

...ASAT Fantasy Football Top Five Picks By Team: AFC South #1

Houston Texans
1. Andre Johnson, WR
2. Chris Brown, RB
3. Ahman Green, RB
4. Owen Daniels, TE
5. Matt Schaub, QB

Indianapolis Colts
1. Joseph Addai, RB
2. Reggie Wayne, WR
3. Peyton Manning, QB
4. Dallas Clark, TE
5. Marvin Harrison, WR

Jacksonville Jaguars
1. Maurice Jones-Drew, RB
2. Fred Taylor, RB
3. David Garrard, QB
4. Jerry Porter, WR
5. Defense

Tennessee Titans
1. Alge Crumpler, TE
2. Vince Young, QB
3. LenDale White, RB
4. Chris Henry, RB
5. Rob Bironas, K

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Friday, June 27, 2008

Suggested car air freshener fragrances

If the decision makerses of any car air freshener companies read this, here are some scents that I'd like to see (or, well, smell):
  • New action figure (the best smell ever)
  • Grilled onion
  • Three minutes after a thunderstorm
  • Freshly peeled birch or sassafras bark
  • Dixie Chili
  • Sour apple
  • Envelope glue
  • Mom's purse (leather & spearmint)
  • Freshly sawed wood
  • Green aftershave
  • Name brand fabric softener
  • Hospital floors
  • Popcorn
  • Fire-roasted cantaloupe (toss a whole cantaloupe in your next camp fire for a few minutes, fish it out, cut it up, and enjoy)

Any of these would also make great scents for Febreze and Oust, BTW.

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...ASAT Fantasy Football Top Five Picks By Team: NFC South #1

Atlanta Falcons
1. Michael Turner, RB
2. Roddy White, WR
3. Jerious Norwood, RB
4. Michael Jenkins, WR
5. Jason Elam, K

Carolina Panthers
1. Steve Smith, WR
2. Jonathan Stewart, RB
3. DeAngelo Williams, RB
4. Jake Delhomme, QB
5. Muhsin Muhammad, WR

New Orleans Saints
1. Marques Colston, WR
2. Drew Brees, QB
3. Reggie Bush, RB
4. Deuce McCallister, RB
5. Devery Henderson, WR

Tampa Bay Buccaneers
1. Jeff Garcia, QB
2. Joey Galloway, WR
3. Carnell Williams, RB
4. Warrick Dunn, RB
5. Alex Smith, TE

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Thursday, June 26, 2008

...ASAT Mock 2008 NBA Draft Lottery Picks

If I was somehow magically appointed the GM of all 14 teams picking in the lottery of tomorrow's 2008 NBA Draft, here is how it'd go:

1. Chicago Bulls: Derrick Rose, G, Memphis
2. Minnesota Timberwolves (from Miami): Michael Beasley, F, Kansas State *
3. Miami Heat (from Minnesota): OJ Mayo, G, USC *
4. Seattle Supersonics: Jarryd Bayless, G, Arizona
5. Memphis Grizzlies: Kevin Love, F, UCLA
6. New York Knicks: Danilo Gallinari, F, Italy

7. Los Angeles Clippers: Russell Westbrook, G, UCLA
8. Milwaukee Bucks: Joe Alexander, F, West Virginia
9. Charlotte Bobcats: Brook Lopez, C, Stanford
10. New Jersey Nets: Robin Lopez, C, Stanford
11. Indiana Pacers: Eric Gordon, G, Indiana
12. Sacramento Kings: DJ Augustin, G, Texas

13. Portland Trailblazers: Mario Chalmers, G, Kansas
14. Golden State Warriors: Donte' Green, F, Syracuse

*Right position, wrong team.

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Wednesday, June 25, 2008

O RLY?

Yelberton Abraham Reilly the turtle sez:


YA RLY.

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...ASAT Fantasy Football Top Five Picks By Team: AFC North #1

Baltimore Ravens
1. Willis McGahee, RB
2. Derrick Mason, WR
3. Todd Heap, TE
4. Mark Clayton, WR
5. Joe Flacco, QB

Cincinnati Bengals
1. T.J. Houshmanzadeh, WR
2. Chad Johnson, WR
3. Carson Palmer, QB
4. Rudi Johnson, RB
5. Ben Utecht, TE

Cleveland Browns
1. Braylon Edwards, WR
2. Kellen Winslow, Jr., TE
3. Derek Anderson, QB
4. Donte' Stallworth, WR
5. Jamal Lewis, RB

Pittsburgh Steelers
1. Ben Roethlisberger, QB
2. Santonio Holmes, WR
3. Hines Ward, WR
4. Willie Parker, RB
5. Heath Miller, TE

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Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Skyline 4-Way Veggie Burger with 4-Way Potatoes

Having stocked up recently on Skyline Chili after a sale, I've now gotta come up with some new ways to eat the Queen City's ambrosia. So while digging around the freezer, I came across some Morningstar Farms Grillers Prime Veggie Burgers and a bag of McCain Roaster potatoes.

I can work with this.

I bake the burger 'n taters for about 17 minutes in the convection oven:



Then I pour on the Skyline:



And cover it with finely-shredded chedder cheese:


And some Vidalia onions:



I'm serving it with an ice-cold Löwenbräu:



The burger is mighty tasty and gets 4 out of 5 diet conscious Reds fans. It would make for a great game-time meal for an Ohio River Valley sports fan seeking out an exercise in partial gluttony. The potatoes, on the other hand, suffered from an overpowering rosemary flavor that distracted from the Greek spices in the chili. It gets only 2 out of 5 underwhelming presidential candidates.

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Monday, June 23, 2008

West Virginia gets a new cell phone number.


It appears that in order to dodge our rather high cell phone taxes in the Open for Business State, the West Virginia itself has used her friend Kentucky's address in order to pay less each month.
I hope our state can save some cash. I hear she is a major textaholic.

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Sunday, June 22, 2008

...ASAT Fantasy Football Top Five Picks By Team: NFC North #1

Chicago Bears
1. Defense
2. Greg Olsen, TE
3. Matt Forte, RB
4. Marty Booker, WR
5. Devin Hester, WR

Detroit Lions
1. Roy Williams, WR
2. Calvin Johnson, WR
3. John Kitna, QB
4. Kevin Smith, RB
5. Tatum Bell, RB

Green Bay Packers
1. Ryan Grant, RB
2. Greg Jennings, WR
3. Donald Driver, WR
4. Donald Lee, TE
5. Mason Crosby, K

Minnesota Vikings
1. Adrian Peterson, RB
2. Bernard Berrian, WR
3. Defense
4. Chester Taylor, RB
5. Tarvaris Jackson, QB

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Saturday, June 21, 2008

...ASAT Fantasy Football Top Five Picks By Team: AFC East #1

Buffalo Bills
1. Marshawn Lynch, RB
2. Lee Evans, WR
3. Trent Edwards, QB
4. Josh Reed, WR
5. Defense

Miami Dolphins
1.Ronnie Brown, RB
2. Ricky Williams, RB
3. Ted Ginn, WR
4. Anthony Fasano, TE
5. Chad Henne, QB

New England Patriots
1. Tom Brady, QB
2. Randy Moss, WR
3. Wes Welker, WR
4. Laurence Maroney, RB
5. Ben Watson, TE

New York Jets
1. Thomas Jones, RB
2. Jerricho Cotchery, WR
3. Laveranues Coles, WR
4. Kellen Clemens, QB
5. Dustin Keller, TE

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Friday, June 20, 2008

...ASAT Rejected West Virginia Stereotypes

Rather than do any real work for the big West Virginia Day post for ABetterWestVirginia's project, I sent the summer interns from Marshall University's Robert C. Byrd College of Blogonomics to the International Agency for the Creation and Perpetuation of Cultural Misunderstanding in Rupert, Idaho, the place where all stereotypes are considered, implemented, and propagated.

Thanks to unprecedented access to the agency's archives, the interns found out some of the considered, but ultimately rejected, submitted stereotypes about West Virginians:

From Ann Arbor, MI: West Virginian bosses give people good reasons to quit their dream job.

From Myrtle Beach, SC: West Virginians only spend money on buffets, putt-putt, and fireworks.

From Columbus, OH: West Virginians will go to any concert at the Newport, no matter how crappy.

From Grayson, KY: West Virginians are snobby city folk.

From the coasts: West Virginians are all fascists.

From Oklahoma City, OK: West Virginians are all commies.

From Chicago, IL: West Virginians are the only folks who can make a better hot dog than we can.

From Bristol, CT: West Virginians all sound like Jason Williams.

From Cambridge, MA: West Virginians are all brilliant historians.

From Philadelphia, PA: West Virginians have one testicle.

Hollywood, CA: West Virginians are great character actors.

and, finally,

From the Internet: West Virginians are a well-organized, highly connected group of bloggers.
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Thursday, June 19, 2008

...ASAT Fantasy Football Top Ten Picks By Position, TE, K, & Defense/Special Teams #1

TE
1. Antonio Gates, SD
2. Kellen Winslow, Jr., CLE
3. Jason Witten, DAL
4. Dallas Clark, IND
5. Chris Cooley, WAS
6. Heath Miller, PIT
7. Tony Gonzalez, KC
8. Vernon Davis, SF
9. Todd Heap, BAL
10. Ben Utecht, CIN

DEF & ST
1. SD
2. CHI
3. NE
4. IND
5. DAL
6. MIN
7. JAX
8. SEA
9. PIT
10. GB

K
1. Stephen Gostkowski, NE
2. Robbie Gould, CHI
3. Shayne Graham, CIN
4. Mason Crosby, GB
5. Rob Bironas, TEN
6. Phil Dawson, CLE
7. Adam Vinatieri, IND
8. Nate Kaeding, SD
9. Nick Folk, DAL
10. David Akers, PHI

Click here for QBs, RBs, and WRs.

Or Click here for rankings by team.

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Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Building My Own Steak 'n Shake Chili 5-Way

I love the chili at Steak 'n Shake, so I am naturally excited that local stores have started carrying cans of the stuff. Much like its cousin from Cincinnati, however, there is much more to eating this chili that plopping it into a bowl and nuking it for 2:30. If I want to enjoy the goodness of my new favorite chain diner, I've got a little work ahead:




The recipe calls for seasoned ground beef. As they never really specify what that entails, I'll season mine with Tony Chachere's Original Creole Seasoning (the best seasoning salt on the planet, IMHO):



I also have to boil some spaghetti. For any spaghetti dish topped with a beefy meat sauce, I like to cook my noodles a bit past al dente and let them drain for a little while:



I've heated the chili in a saucepan and now it goes on the noodles:



As does the seasoned ground beef:



The can tells me that I can re-create their chili sauce by mixing four parts ketchup with one part Worcestershire sauce:



I heat the mixture in the microwave for about 20 seconds and ring the ground beef with the sauce:



Now I'll add some shredded cheese:



And some Vidalia onions and some of their pepper sauce:



It wasn't quite the same as at the restaurant, but it was an excellent at home clone. Making and eating the dish would make for a fun family night activity. I give it four out of five messy toddlers and/or smiling adolescents.

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Tuesday, June 17, 2008

...ASAT Fantasy Football Top Five Picks By Team, NFC East #1

One way to put some fun into a fantasy football team is to include some players from your favorite team. This can be done succesfully, even when your team isn't having a great year. For example, I came in second in a league in '06 with a bunch of players from a sub-par Browns team filling in the gaps.

Starting with the NFC East, here are the 5 best bets for every team. Check back regularly for more divisions over the next few days.

Dallas Cowboys
1. Marion Barber, RB
2. Terrell Owens, WR
3. Tony Romo, QB
4. Jason Witten, TE
5. Patrick Crayton, WR

New York Giants
1. Plaxico Burress, WR
2. Brandon Jacobs, RB
3. Eli Manning, QB
4. Amani Toomer, WR
5. Jeremy Shockey, TE

Philadelphia Eagles
1. Brian Westbrook, RB
2. Donovan McNabb, QB
3. Kevin Curtis, WR
4. L.J. Smith, TE
5. David Akers, K

Washington Redskins
1. Clinton Portis, RB
2. Santana Moss, WR
3. Antwan Randle El, WR
4. Chris Cooley, TE
5. Jason Campbell, QB

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...ASAT Fantasy Football Top Ten Picks By Position, QB, RB, & WR #1

Going into a fantasy football draft, you gotta know who are the tops in each position. This is how I project the quarterbacks, running backs, and wide receivers going into the season. Check back later in the day for a first-in-a-series breakdown of the best player by team and tomorrow for the best tight ends, kickers, and defenses.

QB:
1. Tom Brady, NE
2. Peyton Manning, IND
3. Tony Romo, DAL
4. Carson Palmer, CIN
5. Drew Brees, NO
6. Derek Anderson, CLE
7. David Garrard, JAX
8. Mark Bulger, STL
9. Matt Hasselbeck, SEA
10. Ben Roesthlisberger, PIT

RB
1. LaDainian Tomlinson, SD
2. Adrian Peterson, MIN
3. Brian Westbrook, PHI
4. Joesph Addai, IND
5. Marion Barber, DAL
6. Steven Jackson, STL
7. Frank Gore, SF
8. Clinton Portis, WAS
9. Maurice Jones-Drew, JAX
10. Larry Johnson, KC

WR
1. Randy Moss, NE
2. Reggie Wayne, IND
3. Terrell Owens, DAL
4. Wes Welker, NE
5. Braylon Edwards, CLE
6. Andre Johnson, HOU
7. Larry Fitzgerald, ARZ
8. T.J. Houshmanzadeh, CIN
9. Steve Smith, CAR
10. Marques Colston, NO

Click here for rankings by team.

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Monday, June 16, 2008

...ASAT Mock Fantasy Football Draft #1

Here are my top 30 picks:

1. Tom Brady, QB, NE
2. LaDainian Tomlinson, RB, SD
3. Adrian Peterson, RB, MIN
4. Randy Moss , WR, NE
5. Brian Westbrook, RB, PHI
6. Joseph Addai, RB, IND
7. Peyton Manning, QB, IND
8. Marion Barber, RB, DAL
9. Steven Jackson. RB, STL
10. Reggie Wayne. WR, IND
11. Frank Gore, RB, SF
12. Terrell Owens, WR, DAL
13. Clinton Portis, RB, WAS
14. Tony Romo, RB, DAL
15. Wes Welker, WR, NE
16. Braylon Edwards, WR, CLE
17. Andre Johnson, WR, HOU
18. Larry Fitzgerald, WR, ARZ
19. Maurice Jones-Drew, RB, JAX
20. T.J. Houshmanzadeh, WR, CIN
21. Larry Johnson, RB, KC
22. Ryan Grant, RB, GB
23. Willis McGahee, RB, BAL
24. Steve Smith, WR, CAR
25. Antonio Gates, TE, SD
26. Kellen Winslow, Jr., TE, CLE
27. Marques Colston, WR, NO
28. Chad Johnson, WR, CIN
29. Carson Palmer, QB, CIN
30. Anquan Boldin, WR, ARZ

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Sunday, June 15, 2008

Father's Day

My grandfathers breathed coal dust, asbestos, and chlorine gas so that my parents could go to a local college.

My father endured an unholy trinity of students, parents, and administrators so that I could attend an in-state university.

I toil with calloused hands and carpal tunnel in the earth sciences so that my son pursue the education of his choice, whatever that might be.

Happy Father's Day to anyone who ever busted their ass so that someone else could have it a little better.

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Friday, June 13, 2008

Top Ten Wrestlers of the Past 25 Year Who Haven't Worked for The WWF/WWE.

Note that wrestlers could have worked for the WWWF/WWF before 1983, when it started its national move, just not since.


Hon. Mention: Art Barr, Bruiser Brody, Magnum TA


10. Samoa Joe (worked an episode of Jakked while with another promotion.)

9. The Great Muta

8. "Gentleman" Chris Adams

7. Jimmy Garvin

6. Vampiro

5. Michael "P.S." Hayes (I maintain a policy of ignoring his post-retirement Doc Hendrix phase)

4. Larry Zbysko (Wrestled for New York 'til 1981)

3. Eddie Gilbert

2. Sting

1. Kenta Kobashi

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Thursday, June 12, 2008

These folks are like a bra...

...cause they support Teets.


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Tuesday, June 10, 2008

Thanks to the damn cicadas...

...my backyard is the loudest place on earth.

Trying to make a call from back there is like trying to use my cell phone at a rave.



Only with better music.

And no idiots sucking on pacifiers asking me if I know where they can score some E.

And no androgynous German guys trying to grab my balls.

And no lesbian best friends forcing me to wear a jester's hat as payback for making her sit through Battle Royale 8 times.


On second thought, maybe these katy-bugs ain't that bad

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Monday, June 09, 2008

Toys R Us: "Get this crappy figure out of our store."

Diamond Emma Frost:


$1.60 at Toys R Us. That beats what Jackie paid for Longshot.
If anyone has paid less for a Marvel Legends figure, let me know.

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Wednesday, June 04, 2008

Can I has teh cicada?

Here is a pic of my Chilean rose tarantula, Atacama, eating a cicada:


She has been a bit sluggish as she digests all of the protein, but she will start laying down some new webbing in the next few days as a result of this hearty meal. It may even be enough to trigger a moult this summer.

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Tuesday, June 03, 2008

Top signs that your wrestling career might be in trouble

You are one of the first victims of not one...but two...new monster heels in a matter of weeks.

You are black and it is before 1992.

You are asked to appear as one of The Conquistadors.

You are placed in a tag team with Paul Roma.

You put over a pro football player at Wrestlemania.

You sign with TNA.

You've ever wrestled for World Class Championship Wrestling.

You've pissed off Triple H at any point in the past.

You won your last title in a nightclub.

You get drafted into ECW.

WWE didn't realse your Legends action figure until series 43 (along with PN News and Jake "The Milkman" Milliman).

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Monday, June 02, 2008

99 yard TD runs

Here is a great compilation video of some 99 yard touchdown runs on Tecmo Super Bowl, arguable the best sports game of all time:

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Sunday, June 01, 2008

The most fun event ever?

The Virginia Pork Festival in Emporia, VA.

I'm there, dude.

Update: My plan for this being our vacation has been nixed by my en masse by my family. Apparently, King's Island, the Cincinnati Zoo, and the Reds are more exciting that a 8 hour drive through southern Virginia to eat 43 types of pork in four hours.

Shit.

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