... A Sour Apple Tree

Your source for fast and/or frozen food reviews, Huntington and/or West Virginia commentary, rasslin' (not wrestling) nostalgia, bad parody, dumb satire, rejected slogans, pointless lists, unreliable sports predictions, and funny local pictures.

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Location: Huntington, WV, United States

I'm a 37 year-old guy from Huntington, WV.

Thursday, April 02, 2009

Serenity Now! (Dammit)

Things I'm trying not to let get all up in my business:

1. Burger King bringing back the TenderCrisp Bacon Cheddar Ranch, God's own fast food sam'mich, during the Lent where I give up fast food.

2. WV Public Radio's douche-a-thon where some gits making 6 figs volunteer to interrupt my shows and try to guilt me into coughing over some dough that I don't have.

3. WSAZ's attempt to dampen the best newscast in the area with pseudo-populist outrage and dabs of corporate asspuppetry. Jessica Ralston, Marina Jurica, Will Jones, and Carrie Jones are just too damn good at their jobs to let the other crap get me too irritated.

4. The people across the street who park just in front or right behind my driveway instead of on their side of the road.

5. Del. Tom "Joe Lieberman" Louisos. In terms of gay marriage, you'd think a guy who made his fortune cramming foot-long weiners into mens' mouths would...oh, never mind.

6. Anyone bitching about Ed Schultz getting a gig on MSNBC. Finally, a cable news show for us on the politcal front line who, rather than sipping $6 latte's with people who agree with us on everything, are eating sloppy joes and shooting rats at the city dump while trying to convince friends that the "culture wars" are a red herring meant to get working class folks to vote against their economic self-interests.

7. Anyone who calls me out on having lost my serenity halfway through my first point.

8. Jackie Lantern, for being able to build kick-ass toys with his bare hands while I can barely assemble a pre-made, click-together TIE Fighter.

9. Frostop, for forcing me to order from a carhop rather than the window so I hafta feel guilted into giving him a tip, thereby allowing them to pay the poor sod only $2.13.

10. Me, for letting get me all judgmental over Tom Louisos (see above), a genuinely good man who makes a great hot dog.

11. The Cleveland Browns. At least this year I have no hopes to let down.

12. Bones. What a horrible f'n' show. So why do I keep watching it on Hulu?

13. People with OCD that conflicts with my OCD.

14. British anarchists. Every time more than one world leader is in the same room, they are compelled to smash windows and urinate on that statue of Churchill in Westminster. Jees, you'd think that they had just lost to Germany (again) in an important soccer match.

15. Mark Sanford. Apparently, earning the right to lose to Obama in '12 is more important than helping your impoverished state out of the gutter. That's leadership.

16. Star Wars prequels.

17. Kroger's choice to stop selling hoppin' john.

18. People on the Interstate who have their CD player or Sirius XM receiver set to the same frequency as WVWV or WOUL. Like I really want to hear Katy Perry or that Mad Dog guy. Ever.

19. The "Free A-Train" kid. Srsly, all of the injustice in out city, state, country, and world, and this is the battle that you pick? Try "No User Fee" or "Save Darfur" next time.

20. Marshall sports. We should forget about football, as we can't afford to have a good program without being a little dodgy in our dealing. Let us instead get behind Donnie Jones and build a solid b-ball program, which is within our price range.
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2 Comments:

Blogger The Film Geek said...

Glad you saved up, cause that was a great list!

Thursday, April 02, 2009  
Blogger Lara said...

Wow, Chris...do we share a brain? I so miss my WVPR, but I just cannnot make myself listen during the douche-a-thon. And I have a neighbor WITH a driveway (which I DON'T have) who insists on parking in front of my house AND another neighbor's house. Why doesn't he park in his driveway or in front of his own house??? I couldn't go on and on, but you've already said it all.

Thursday, April 02, 2009  

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