... A Sour Apple Tree

Your source for fast and/or frozen food reviews, Huntington and/or West Virginia commentary, rasslin' (not wrestling) nostalgia, bad parody, dumb satire, rejected slogans, pointless lists, unreliable sports predictions, and funny local pictures.

Location: Huntington, WV, United States

I'm a 37 year-old guy from Huntington, WV.

Thursday, May 28, 2009

Ringtone Death Match

Help me pick my new ringtone. Here are the four remaining contenders:

"Yakety Sax" aka the theme to "The Benny Hill Show
"Real American" aka Hulk Hogan's entrance music
"The Imperial March" aka "Darth Vader's Theme"
"Cool, Cocky, Bad" aka The Honky Tonk Man's entrance music

whatchy'all think?

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Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Song of the Day: "Prophets" by AC Newman

(Apologies to JDB for stealing his shtick and thanks to the producers of How I Met Your Mother for including this great song in the season finale.)

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Tuesday, May 26, 2009

10 reasons to shop at Julian's Market in Huntington

1. Homemade hummus
2. Homemade andouille sausage
3. Homemade mild Italian sausage
4. Nathan's Famous onion rings in the frozen section
5. Fresh pita bread
6. Excellent fresh ground beef
7. Tons of Middle Eastern spices found nowhere else in town
8. Homemade spicy Italian sausage
9. Homemade baklava
10. Homemade kibbee

Hon. mention: They sell snapper turtle soup in the canned soup isle that contains, you guessed it, snapper turtle.

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Friday, May 22, 2009

Wrestlemania X: Bret Hart vs. Owen Hart

One of the greatest matches I've ever seen:

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

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Thursday, May 21, 2009

BrickStreet: In state, on site, and all up in your business

Call me paranoid, but it seems that the gist of the following BrickStreet advert something like "get hurt at work and we will spy on your punk ass, faker."

Don't get me wrong, folks who abuse the worker's comp system make me hurl and I generally have no sympathy when they get their butt cheeks nailed to a tree for it. That said, I hope BrickStreet waits until they have some reliable information before they unleash their private dicks on their clients' injured employees.

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Tuesday, May 19, 2009

What's For Lunch? (Leftovers Edition)

Yesterday's lunch consisted of leftover Tony Chachere's chicken-flavored rice topped with leftover homemade pinto beans (made with jowl bacon), Frank's RedHot, and a piece of leftover corn bread (made with real bacon grease):

The smokey flavor of the beans went well with the low 'n slow spiciness of the rice. With all of the protein and complex carbs, I was full the rest of the workday.

I give it 4 out of 5 Radiation Burns From The Office's Early 1980s Microwave.

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Monday, May 18, 2009

Top Ten Favorite Vegetables

As part of ...ASAT's continuing effort to make Huntington a slightly healthier place, here is a list of my 10 favorite vegetables. With these simple veggie suggestions and a ample supply of bacon fat, mayonnaise, ground beef, and butter, you to can be well on your way to living a slightly healthier lifestyle.

1. Ramps - They taste great, are a local delicacy, and you gotta cook them with bacon fat. What's not to love?

2. Pinto beans - I was raised on these things. They make the best soup in the world and are high in fiber and protein.

3. Vidalia onion - A buddy of mine who was legally dead for 10 minutes (long enough to hit the buffet) tells me that this is the only onion that God allows in Heaven. He recommends the panko-breaded Vidalia onion rings with Thomas Cranmer's secret recipe horseradish BBQ sauce.

4. Cabbage - It is the eponymous ingredient in one of my favorite foods, cabbage rolls (I prefer the Syrian-Lebanese version over its Greek cousin) and it is the base for cole slaw, the WV state hot dog topping.

5. Yellow squash - Cut it lengthwise, bread it with flower and your favorite seasoning salt, and fry with some onion in a blend of bacon grease and canola oil.

6. Greens - I like a blend of mustard and collard, but any variety will do as long as they are cooked with plenty of pork byproduct and served with hot sauce.

7. Potatoes - Baked, mashed, fried, french fried, boiled, twice-baked: It is damn hard to mess them up.

8. Anything in korma sauce - A north Indian coconut milk-based cooking sauce, it turns any and all veggies (even gross ones like lima beans) into my favorite vegetarian dish.

9. Carrots - I like them raw with bacon-ranch dressing or cooked in some sort of sweet glaze.

10. Spinach - Raw, never cooked (unless wilted with bacon fat counts as "cooked").

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Friday, May 15, 2009

Bookish Brunettes with Glasses Kick Ass

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Thursday, May 14, 2009

Pepperoni and Ramp Pizza

The other day, I added some pre-sauteed ramps from the freezer to a store-bought frozen pepperoni pizza. Here is how it turned out:

While I found the crust to be a bit corn-mealy, the ramps gave just the right flavor kick to the sauce and pepperoni to make it a top-notch taste treat. This would be the perfect option for a pizza lover who is a bit shy about trying ramps.

I give it 4 out of 5 4th Generation Italian-Americans from Richwood.

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Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Weetabix with marshmallows

For my latest culinary experiment, I added some dehydrated cereal marshmallows I bought at Amish Farms Bulk Food & Cheese in Flatwoods, WV to a bowl of Weetabix. Here is the result:

Wow! This is the best mix of England and America since, well, Canada!

I give it 5 out of 5 Slashes and Winston Churchills playing cricket while eating apple pie.

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Tuesday, May 12, 2009

...ASAT 10 All-Time Least Favorite Professional Wrestlers

1. Hulk Hogan. As a face, I got so sick of watching the same match: he gets beat down, "Hulks" up, no-sells, big boot, leg drop, pin. Over and over and over. As a heel in WCW, he'd just sit on the title for months, thanks to his buddies holding the book. Booooooring.

2. Lex Luger. I hope this was just kayfabe, but he was a total dick to me when I was a kid and tried to get his autograph outside of the Charleston Marriott.

3. John Cena. There is something about him that reminds me of the biggest asshole in my high school. The dumb hand gestures, horrible rapping, and total lack of in-ring talent are just gravy.

4. Sean Waltman. If my best friends were the biggest stars in sports entertainment, I bet I could have gotten a push, too. I'm about his size and have about the same athletic skill (none).

5. Bill Goldberg. Marginal ability aside, I can never forgive him for ending Bret Hart's career with a sloppy kick to the head.

6. Tito Santana. In retrospect, it wasn't his fault that I never liked watching him perform, but the whole always-smiling babyface of the 1980s thing made me sick.

7. Hillbilly Jim. Even as a kid, I hated hixploitation.

8. HHH. Solid worker? Sure. "King of Kings?" No. Son-in-law of the owner? Bingo.

9. El Gigante. He is tall. Really tall. That's it.

10. Paul Roma. Worst. Horseman. Ever.

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Monday, May 11, 2009

"Draketown bar salutes U.S. navy"

That was the headline of an email I received yesterday from my friend, Nomad, who spends a good bit of time traveling around the rural parts of the south that most folks zoom past or fly over on their way to Atlanta, Daytona, and Orlando. Well, the other day he was just outside of Draketown, GA and saw a bar sign that expressed strong support and admiration for the manner in which the United States Navy is handling the problem of piracy in the Gulf of Aden:

This is just a guess, but if you ever stop by this bar for a cold one, make sure not ask to switch the TV from NASCAR to the NBA game.

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Friday, May 08, 2009

Why the hell is Liam even in the band?

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Thursday, May 07, 2009

Congratulations, Hawkshaw

In honor of Huntingtonian Hawkshaw Hawkins' induction into the West Virginia Music Hall of Fame, here is one of his signature tunes, "The Sunny Side of the Mountain:"

For more on Hawkins, check out his Wikipedia article.

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Wednesday, May 06, 2009

...ASAT endorses

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Tuesday, May 05, 2009

Now this BBC headline just doesn't make any damn sense

"Sex charge head aided toilet girl"


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Rat Bastard: The Movie

Here is a short student film made by friend Nomad when he was in college called Rat Bastard. This movie is a peak into just what sort of evil vermin lurk in the apartments and houses of the Highlawn neighborhood of Huntington, WV.


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Monday, May 04, 2009

Hawt Cuisine

My amuse-bouche: Ramson sauteed in bacon fat with sea salt and a green habanero sauce (translation: an entirely too small portion of fried ramps with froo-froo salt and some hot sauce that was on clearance).

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Friday, May 01, 2009

Fast Food Review: The Pita Pit

The Pita Pit, located on the 1200 block of 4th Ave in Huntington, has been around for quite some time and I've always meant to check it out. Numerous lame excuses, however, have kept me from going (too far from downtown during my lunch break, too lazy in the evening, too cheap to feed a meter, etc.). Well, after hearing a rather heated argument between a couple of friends about the merits of the place (one said it was where Jesus will go for His falafel on His return; the other kept calling it "The Arm Pit"), I figured that I'd have to check the place out for myself and see what all of the hubbub was about.

I went with my wife and parents on a recent Saturday and noticed that the place was moderately busy for a weekend lunch service. My parents both ordered Philly cheese steak pitas, while my wife got a chicken Caeser. I opted for the hummus pita and had them load it up with sprouts, black olives, cucumber, spinach, and tzatziki.

We all agreed that the ingredients were fresh, especially the pita bread, which was of a higher quality than could be found at any area grocer, save Julian's Market (aka Mansour's). The carnivores in my party also agreed that the price, around $6 per sandwich, while a bit more than what they would usually pay for a lunch sammy, was fair for the quantity of meat and that they left the joint quite full. I, on the other hand, thought that the price was a bit high for my veggie pocket and I found myself a bit hungry after a couple of hours. That said, I knew what I was getting into when I had to be Mr. Trendy McHippiepants and order no meat.

While I can't say that The Pita Pit is a tremendous value for the money or is a revolution in sam'mich making, I can say that it would be a good place to pick up lunch from time to time when one is craving something fresher than BK or hot dogs but doesn't want to bother with a sit-down restaurant.

Overall, I think that both of my friends were wrong. While I suspect that the Son of Man might have more pressing issues that eating here, it certainly doesn't deserve any derisive names referencing unpleasant body parts.

I give Pita Pit 3.75 out of 5 Thank Yous from One's Digestive System.

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