... A Sour Apple Tree

Your source for fast and/or frozen food reviews, Huntington and/or West Virginia commentary, rasslin' (not wrestling) nostalgia, bad parody, dumb satire, rejected slogans, pointless lists, unreliable sports predictions, and funny local pictures.

Location: Huntington, WV, United States

I'm a 37 year-old guy from Huntington, WV.

Monday, August 31, 2009

2009 Fake Emmy Ballot: Supporting Cast

Outstanding Supporting Actor, Comedy
* Jon Cryer, Two and a Half Men
* Kevin Dillon, Entourage
* Neil Patrick Harris, How I Met Your Mother
* Jack McBrayer, 30 Rock
* Tracy Morgan, 30 Rock
* Rainn Wilson, The Office

I'd be perfectly happy if either Morgan or Harris got the win, but McBrayer's Kenneth is the funniest supporting character since Will Arnett's G.O.B Bluth on Arrested Development.

Outstanding Supporting Actress, Comedy
* Kristin Chenoweth, Pushing Daisies
* Jane Krakowski, 30 Rock
* Elizabeth Perkins, Weeds
* Amy Poehler, Saturday Night Live
* Kristen Wiig, Saturday Night Live
* Vanessa L. Williams, Ugly Betty

Wiig is the most consistently funny SNL castmate since Norm Macdonald.

Outstanding Supporting Actor, Drama
* Christian Clemenson, Boston Legal
* Michael Emerson, Lost
* William Hurt, Damages
* Aaron Paul, Breaking Bad
* William Shatner, Boston Legal
* John Slattery, Mad Men

I can't be bothered to bother with any of these shows, so I guess I default to Capt. Kirk.

Outstanding Supporting Actress, Drama
* Rose Byrne, Damages
* Hope Davis, In Treatment
* Cherry Jones, 24
* Sandra Oh, Grey's Anatomy
* Dianne Wiest, In Treatment
* Chandra Wilson, Grey's Anatomy

Again, I don't give a rat's ass about any of these programs, so I suppose I'll give it to one of the Grey's ladies for putting up with Katherine Heigl's diva antics. Since I can't ever forgive any cast member of Arli$$ for what seemed like 35 years of shitty television, Oh gets the wrath and Wilson gets the nod.

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Friday, August 28, 2009

6th Avenue paving job looks great...

...but this isn't even an election year.

My cynical brain hurts.

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If you like ol' timey rasslin'

If you are a fan of old-skool wrestling that was about in-ring story telling and technical skill, be sure to watch Smackdown tonight at 8 PM on My Network TV (MyZ 3.2 around here). New world champ CM Punk takes on Jeff Hardy in a loser-leaves-town steel cage match for the belt. People in attendance have been raving all over the internet about this being one of the best matches in quite some time and the stipulation hearkens back to the old territory days of the NWA.

It should be a classic and, best of all, you don't have to plop down $50 (or however much a PPV costs these days) to see it.

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Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Ten Sandwiches Made Better By Using Fried Chicken Fillets Rather Than Buns

In honor of KFC's new Double Down sandwich, I had my new crop of interns from the Robert C. Byrd School of Blogonomics (located in the sub-basement of Harris Hall) brainstorm some ideas for sandwiches that could be upgraded by using deep fried chicken breast fillets instead of bread. Here is what they coughed up:

1. Fried bologna. Cut a radius in the bologna to keep it from curling up, cook it on a extra hot skillet, then serve it with a couple of rings of raw onion and some hot sauce on the fried chicken.

2. BLT. Extra mayo.

3. Grilled cheese. Try using provolone rather than American, though.

4. Big Mac. Don't forget to sub in a third chicken fillet for the bread in the middle.

5. A Chili's Big Mouth Burger. I fear, though, that the fillet might be too small for my favorite clone restaurant's massive meat wad.

6. Beans on toast. A hat tip to Allclick and other English expats in America trying to adapt to our heart disease-based society.

7. WV hot dog. A weenie, moderately spicy chili sauce, sweet 'n creamy slaw, yellow mustard, and diced onions on a fried chicken fillet. Almost heaven (assuming that the EMT can bring you back, otherwise...)

8. Tudor's Mary B. Keep the biscuit, though. That makes it a ton of bacon, a fried egg, government-style cheese, and a greasy (in a good way) biscuit served between the fried chicken.

9. Chik-fil-A/McDonald's Southern Style chicken sandwich. Basically three chicken fillets with a couple of pickles somewhere in there.

10. Veggie burger. Keep it healthy, Tri-State. Remember, Jamie Oliver is coming to town to shame educate us.

Good work, kids. You all get the rest of the day off. Except the grad assistants. My dry cleaning ain't gonna pick itself up.


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Monday, August 24, 2009

KFC Doubles Down: I want to go to there

Faux Fox News is reporting that KFC is test marketing a new "Double Down" sandwich in Rhode Island and Nebraska. It consists of bacon, cheese, and something dubious called "Colonel's Sauce" served between two fried chicken breast fillets. Yup, no bread, just meat:

Holy f'n crap, Batman! I hope that this goes nation wide.

When I read about this on HuffPo, I made sure to scroll down to the comments to see healthy-eating police would have to say about it and, of course, some of them were flailing about with comparisons of this "sandwich" and hard drugs like crack. Well, as delicious as this might be, I doubt anyone will be giving a squeezer in the alley behind South Side Chevron to get the cash in order to score a Double Down....

Unless you know where I can get one, man...

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Monday, August 17, 2009

Coffee pot broken

I hope I don't fall asleep face-first on my keyboar9ty8gvdsfjkhndlkjv cvfvbfkbdfjkvb jkfjb vcxbb zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

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Friday, August 14, 2009

Hot 4-Way Action

One of my all-time favorite meals, a 4-way: Cincinnati Chili (Dixie Chili in this case) served over spaghetti and topped with shredded mild cheddar cheese, Vidalia onions, Frank's RedHot, and oyster crackers.

I give it 5 out of 5 Terrified Crackers Lost Trying To Find The Cincinnati Zoo.

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Thursday, August 13, 2009

More Richwood Facts

  • With apologies to Steve Earle, you never come back from Tioga Road.
  • 95% of WVU fans have never even been to Morgantown. The other 5% went there to visit an uncle in the hospital
  • If your kid moves back to town after college, they probably flunked out due to drugs.
  • If your kid doesn't move back after college, they are probably gay or married a black guy.
  • Don't let your kid go to college.
  • Wide spots in roads are bona fide geographic locations deserving of toponyms.
  • Hinkle Mountain is the best place to cruise 'cause you can get radio stations from both Charleston and Roanoke.
  • The only way not to be disgusted by the smell of ramps in March & April is to eat them as often as possible.
  • At the Last Supper, Christ himself put cole slaw on pizza.
  • Who needs a swimming pool when you got the falls by the motel?
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    Wednesday, August 12, 2009

    2009 Fake Emmy Ballot: Comedy Series Guest Actors and Actresses

    Outstanding Guest Actor in a Comedy Series
    • Alan Alda for 30 Rock
    • Beau Bridges for Desperate Housewives
    • Jon Hamm for 30 Rock
    • Steve Martin for 30 Rock
    • Justin Timberlake for Saturday Night Live
    Alda and Timberlake get a hard look for making me LOL several times in the performances for which they are nominated, but Steve Martin's turn as Gavin Volure on 30 Rock was pure comedic gold. One of these days, clips of Martin and Fey sharing screen time will be played during just about every comedy retrospective clip show.

    Outstanding Guest Actress in a Comedy Series
    • Jennifer Aniston for 30 Rock
    • Christine Baranski for The Big Bang Theory
    • Tina Fey for Saturday Night Live
    • Gena Rowlands for Monk
    • Elaine Stritch for 30 Rock
    • Betty White for My Name Is Earl
    Betty White was one of the few highlights of MNIE's final season and Elaine Stritch is devilishly delightful as Jack's controlling mother on 30 Rock, but Tina Fey's turn as Sarah Palin on SNL will literally go down in the history books as a factor in the election of America's first black president. Srsly, you think that former SNL intern Meghan McCain would have at some point said "um, Dad, you know that the lady looks a lot like the funniest woman in America...."

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    Tuesday, August 11, 2009

    Soft-core cat porn

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    Monday, August 10, 2009

    Richwood Facts

    • The most common names in America are Tinney, Mullens, and O'Dell, in that order.
    • If anything interesting ever happens, it happens on football Friday night in the Heck's parking lot.
    • The world's two major religions are Baptist and Methodist with a few Catholics thrown in here and there.
    • Locker # 666 is the only locker to have.
    • Cops are too lazy to break up any party over the Greenbrier County line.
    • Every male between the ages of 16 and 60 can sing "Seven Bridges Road" almost as well as The Eagles. This ability is only increased with consumption of Bud Light.
    • Upper middle class starts @ $30,000.
    • You want entertainment? Beckley is 70 miles thattaway.
    • Regardless of any logic or statistical truth to the contrary, Summersville sucks.
    • If you try to take a picture in Webster County, when the subject of the photograph says "cheese," a 250 person line forms behind them.

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    Friday, August 07, 2009

    Fast Food Review: McDonald's Angus Third Pounders burgers

    Much in the same manner that they are de-justifying Chick-fil-A's existence with the Southern Style Chicken Sandwich, McDonald's is now going after Hardee's/ Carl's Jr. and their Thickburgers with the new Angus Third Pounders burger. In doing so, they seem to be trying to get men to be more excited with the demands of toddlers nationwide to "essko Donnals!!!"

    The bun is a nice sesame kaiser roll and has some texture to it, unlike the foam-padding buns found on many fast food burgers. It is a nice touch and does a pretty decent job of holding the sandwich together.

    The fixin's are rather, if not entirely, pedestrian. In keeping with the McDonald's tradition of being stingy with the bacon, they only give two strips on the Bacon & Cheese. BBQ sauce might be a better touch than a pop-shot of ketchup on the bacon version of the sandwich (I added some barbeque sauce back at the house and it did make for an improvement). The Deluxe had a better showing with a nice piece of fancy lettuce on it. Both versions that I tried did have red onions, which is a plus and the pickle slices weren't as limp and soggy as those usually found on McDonald's grub. Overall, not bad, but not nearly as well-dressed as Wendy's gone-but-not-forgotten Big Bacon Classic.

    The burger meat did indeed have a better taste and texture than little 1-2 oz patties on other Mickey D's sandwiches. While I'm partial to the smokiness found at Hardee's or Burger King, some will prefer the clean beef taste of this hamburger. My father, for instance, is happy that he can now get a higher quality fast food burger without the "burnt" flavor.

    Will this burger keep me from going to BK or Hardee's when I'm by myself or out with the guys? Probably not. Will it make me less likely to be quietly disapointed when the Mrs. and the boy insist on a 32 consecutive trip to Macca's? Indeed.

    I give them 3 out of 5 Wannabe Thickburgers.

    My father gives them 4 out of 5 Trips to McDonald's with his Grandson.

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    Thursday, August 06, 2009

    Coming to Huntington this fall...

    Taco Town!

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    Tuesday, August 04, 2009

    10 Favorite Palces in the Huntington, WV Area

    1. Ritter Park Rose Garden - This little plot of Nirvana belongs in a much larger and affluent city but, alas, it is all ours.

    2. Pullman Square - I was certain that it would fail. I love being wrong about that one.

    3. Marshall University - The memories are too thick not to get a smile every time that I walk across campus.

    4. Walking path between Ritter Park and Harveytown Road - Flat & serene. Just beware of a-hole bikers and runners who think they pwn it.

    5. Ritter Park - Whenever you see an arbitrary social science-y rating of cities, you can tell how much weight Ritter Park is given in the evaluation based on whether Hton's results are "post-industrial shithole" or "lots of open green spaces."

    6. Julian's Market - I can't afford to shop there for day-to-day items, but this is the go-to place to get meat and specialty items that WalMart and Kroger have never even heard of.

    7. Keith-Albeee Theatre - Nothing beat seeing a good movie in this old palace. I hope that it can be maintained for eternity.

    8. South Side - A great place to take a walk.

    9. Hillbilly Hot Dogs - Not the best hot dogs in Cabell County, but the most fun place to take the kids.

    10. Virginia Point Park - The goegraphy nerd in me hearts that I can see three states from the NW corner of the park.

    Hon Mention: Guyandotte boat launch (under East End Bridge), Harris River Front Park, Jim's Steak & Spaghetti, M & M Dairy Bell

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    Monday, August 03, 2009

    Zombie Chicken

    Here is a cut 'n paste of a soon-to-be deleted Wikipedia article:

    Zombie chicken is a term used for an improperly euthanized chicken that awakens after being buried for compost.

    In the poultry industry, "spent" hens that are too old to lay eggs are typically killed and composted. They are not used for meat, as these chickens typically yield one pound of edible meat, compared to five pounds from a bird that has been raised to be eaten. The industry practice is to place the birds in a container filled with carbon monoxide until asphyxiated, and then covered with sawdust to facilitate composting. The compost is typically sold to farmers.

    However, sometimes hens that have not been properly euthanized will survive to climb out of the pile. Such birds are nicknamed Zombie Chickens by some workers. Animal rights advocates view the appearance of zombie chickens as evidence that elderly hens are not being killed humanely. One unidentified source has stated that one out of every 20,000 hens survive the process. [1]

    Zombie chickens are celebrated in the Troma production of Poultrygeist: Night of the Chicken Dead as well as the comedic/horror novel Cluck: Murder Most Fowl by Eric D. Knapp.


    ^ Young, Tobias (2006-11-22). "Recycling chickens: Farmers turn to composting amid collapsed spent-hen market". The Press Democrat. http://www1.pressdemocrat.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20061122/NEWS/611220399/1033/NEWS01.

    Note that this article, like all Wikipedia articles, is released under the CCA-SAL.

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